E R N I E ' S H O U S E O F W H O O P A S S
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Life in the Marine Corps generally sucked, especially when it came to women. I don't know what the official ratio is between men and women in the MC, but I would guess it was 100 men to every wookie. When you did run into an opportunity to bang one of these fine specimens of hoe, you had to figure out how many of your friends had banged her as well. Needless to say, I stayed away from the wm's (sexual harassment charges were also common.)
credit given to original author if known
So, when my neighbor, we'll call him "Frank", invites me to Charleston to hook up with these two freaky chics, I jumped at the chance. The drive from Beaufort to Charleston is a boring one, so we supplement by downing beers. After an hour or so, we get to the mall to meet the ladies.
Frank spots the car that they are driving and goes over while I piss in the near empty parking lot. I walk over to the car and notice that there is only one freak in the car. Frank then tells me that the other freak couldn't make it. Fuck. Now I'm a third wheel.
Frank was right about the chic being a freak. She's covered head to toe in piercings. Nose, brow, lip, ears, cheek, and she tells us about her nip and clit rings. Now I grew up in Austin, and Austin can be a bit of a hippie/freak kind of town. I'm used to this kind of thing. This chick was a FREAK!
Oh, and she's wearing a sweater in hot and humid June. Remember this, I'll get to it later.
So I'm pissed. Frank and I drove to Charleston in my vehicle, so I couldn't leave his ass there. My buzz was starting to wear thin, so I decided to tag along and get good and retarded. Besides, we were going to stay at the Air Force base in their cheap motel, which was perfect for sleeping off a drunken stupor. We get in my Nissan truck and follow this chic to downtown Charleston.
We must have hit 80% of the establishments that served liquor/beer. We would go in a place, have two or three drinks, and head off to the next bar. While we are in the bars, I notice that the sweater the freak had was either on her, or over her left arm. Again, I pay no attention to this because I know women can be weird about being cold in 100 degree weather. At the same time, Frank and the freak are getting more and more comfy with each other. Now I know I won't get any tonight. Frank wins this battle. I am 165 dripping wet and by no means a Greek god. Frank on the other hand is 6'2", 190, built like a race horse, blonde, a perfect Arian German example. Hitler would have shit if he saw Frank.
We finally end our evening at a local dance club. Frank and the freak are getting freaky on the dance floor and I'm trying to pick up women by buying them beer. On a side note, I did meet my future wife that night, in that dance club, by buying her a beer, but that's another story. I'm getting shot down left and right and I'm to the point where I can no longer stand upright unless I hold on to something. I tell Frank and the freak that it is time to bail and we go our merry way. In the parking lot she tells us that she doesn't want to stay at the base and that we can all stay at her apartment that she shares with her brother. Fine, I don't care anymore. All I want to do is crash. The whiskey shots, beer, and mudslides that this freaky chic kept buying us isn't sitting real well in my gut. So I agree and off we go to the freak house.
We arrive at the apartment and she tells us before we go in that her brother is a class act fuck head. Major dick. And he sleeps on the couch in the living room. We ever so quietly sneak into her room and shut the door. This is where things turn, well......freaky.
She slips into a long night shirt and just panties. I'm on the floor and Frank is on her bed, which is also on the floor. She starts to tell us about how her clit ring got infected and she had to take it out. She tells us about the up-the-butt action she has gotten with foreign objects. Frank at this point is all fired up and ready to lay pipe. The last thing I heard was how Frank didn't need a rubber because her pussy smelled fine. She literally put a finger in her pus and took a whiff and allowed him to sniff as well. She offers me a smell, but I'm already starting to feel sick from the booze, and to be honest, this chic just doesn't do it for me.
I announce that I'm going to find a couch/chair or any other place where asshole brother won't try to kill me in the middle of the night, and pass the fuck out. She tells me that I will have to stay in her room. I'm starting to get the dry heaves and I didn't think I could handle the smell of sex at that point (on a side note, her air conditioner was broke). I cannot stay in her room. I tell Frank that I'm going to the base to get a room and that I'll call his ass in the morning to get him. I go to my truck, puke, drive off and after several wrong turns, I arrive at the front desk of the base motel.
The desk airman tells me they have no rooms. Fuuucccckkkk. Fine. I tell the deskman that I'm going to park my truck in the motel parking lot, lock the door, and pass out. Now I have slept in some fucked up places in my time in the MC, but after I awoke that morning, I wished that I was back in the mountains of California with a sleeping bag on the hard ass ground. My back was killing me.
I take off, find a phone, and call Frank. There's no answer. Fine. I was getting hungry so I hit the local fast-food joint and gulp down a heap of greasy shit. Back to the phone to call Frank. Still no fucking answer. By this time the lump of greasy shit that I ate was demanding that it wanted out, the long way. I run into the gas station where I was making the call and proceeded to shit out a night of hell fire and other objects that I didn't want to know what they were. Now I'm just fucking mad. I go back to the phone and call again. By now I've been at this for two hours. I decide that if I don't get Frank, I'm fucking going to leave his Arian ass and let his freak hoe bring him back to Beaufort. Freak answers the phone and I tell her to put Frank on. I tell him to get his ass outside the apartment, NOW, or I'm going to leave him. I drive to the apartment and there's Frank, half naked and all kinds of scratched up.
He hops in and we take off. At this point I expected Frank to tell me all about his glorious night with the freak. That's what men do to each other when one has gotten laid and the other hasn't. Instead he starts off by saying I have to hook up with this girl, and when I do, report back to him and tell him if I see anything "weird." He rants this for 45 minutes or so and won't tell me why I should see anything "weird." He finally breaks down and gives me the skinny.
After I split, they proceed to rumba horizontal style. No shit. They did this, they did that. Everything that you would expect a drunk Marine and a freaky freak to do. He gets to a moment during their evening that he wants to titty fuck this freak. She agrees and he hops on her chest, presses her titties together and proceeds to hump. Now frank was just as drunk as I was the night before so one would conclude that he was unable to keep his balance while holding her titties and fucking them at the same time. He asks her to press her titties together. Her arms are under the pillow which her head is on. She objects and tells him to keep fucking. He asks her again to hold her titties together. She objects, again. "Come on baby, hold them titties together for me," Frank says. "I can't," says the freak. "Why," says Frank. "Because I only have half of a left arm," she snaps back.
She whips the thing out and holy shit, a fucking baby leg for a left arm!
It was only elbow length and had little fat, nubby baby toes at the end for fingers and they moved! I pull the truck over. He has my attention now. After Frank gains his composure, she tries to convince him to let her stick that thing for an arm in his ass. She kept going on and on about how she's done this before and all the other guys have loved it. Has a special lube for it and everything. Frank says that he didn't allow her to do it, but he had this look of "yeah, I did that nasty baby leg thing," on his face.
The whole time while we were out, neither Frank or myself noticed the retarded arm. Even when Frank was boning her doggie, he didn't see it. She hid it that well.
Moral of the story: If you're in Charleston in the middle of summer and you run into a pierced freaky chic with a sweater, don't be surprised if she wants to stick her arm up your ass.