E R N I E ' S H O U S E O F W H O O P A S S
A Poor Girl's Testimony of GOD'S LOVE The following "testimony" appeared on Usenet. The author, for some reason, posted it as an anonymous forged posting. WARNING: some people will find this blasphemous and upsetting.
This is my testament to the All-Encompassing Love and Mercy of the LORD. My life has been very difficult, but the LORD has blessed me in many strange and mysterious ways. I was born Tina Glencer, on Nov. 23, 1976, in Waldon, Tennessee. The delivery was very difficult on my mother since I came out sideways. The fact that a veterinarian helped with the delivery complicated things a bit. However, this was the only way that a poor farmer could afford the medical costs. As a result of the crushing pressure I experienced during delivery, I am now wider than I am tall. Due to the extraordinary complications arising from this abnormal delivery, my father was forced to go into heavy debt to pay the spiraling medical costs and he had to sell the family dog for medical experiments. But my condition turned out to be a boon from the Lord: years later, when my father was trying to discourage my brother from the sin of Onanism, he made me share a bed with him. With me lying next to him, my brother's member rose n
As a youth I thought I detected some resentment from my family for the hardship I caused them, but later I learned of the true depths of their love. They raised me in a devout Christian atmosphere, and I was always taught to thank the LORD for all the blessings which He had bestowed upon me. Thus, I am a virtuous girl and have not known man by lying with him. My father saved for years so that he might have a size 60 chastity belt manufactured out of stainless steel for me. However, he considered it well worth the cost if it would allow me to remain a virtuous christian girl. It has succeeded beautifully! Unfortunately, my mother had neglected to explain to me that women must experience a period of uncleanness each month. I did not learn of this until one day I became terrified and ran screaming to father because I thought my chastity belt was rusting. Luckily, my father had foreseen this eventuality and had insisted on stainless steel. Still, he was forced to send it back to the foundry to have it m
Tragically, when I was sixteen, I lost the key to my cherished chastity belt. While I was locked in there, my yeast infection went unchecked and I developed vaginal warts. My father called the volunteer fire department to pry me out with the jaws of life. The fireman successfully removed the belt, but they billed our poor family 10,000 dollars in payment, which would have bankrupted us. We despaired. Had the LORD forsaken us? Was our faith not strong enough? Just then, the LORD revealed to my mother HIS plan: HE had blessed the yeast so that it might yield miracle bread! Immediately my family began packing as much bread dough as would fit into my womb, and each fishy-smelling loaf that popped out was able to miraculously feed thousands of people! Clearly this was Jesus at work! Soon my family made enough money from the bread to pay the bill for freeing me from my chastity belt and there was enough money left over to buy a Doberman Pinscher and a brand new combine!
Unfortunately, my father forgot to buy me a new chastity belt. This was only asking for trouble. One day, while my father was on the combine and I was in the field making sure that nothing was in its path, the Doberman started sniffing me. It noticed that I was in heat and immediately mounted me. My father jumped off the combine and valiantly tried to save my maidenhood, but the lust-crazed animal bit off his testicles. Stumbling away in agony, he veered into the path of the approaching combine. His death was gruesome: even Job did not suffer as much! At first we grieved and were angry with the LORD. I rent my clothes and wore sackcloth. However, before I could roll around in ashes, my brother pointed out that my father had been pissing against the wall of the barn. The LORD's punishment was just, and we rejoiced! In HIS infinite mercy HE had made sure that Father's last act could be a holy one: he saved my maidenhood and was assured of going to heaven.
Without my Father's harsh discipline, my brother's onanism went unchecked.
He spilt his seed by the bucketful. Because of this, his energy was spent and he became slothful. GOD's law is clear: a slothful son must be stoned to death, but my mother refused. Consequently, the LORD smote her with breast cancer. With no one working on the farm, our family became destitute. My brother took charge: I pleaded with him to send our little remaining money to a TV evangelist so that we could receive an hundredfold anointing, but he decided to spend it on a cut-rate mastectomy for mother instead. Lucifer was confusing him so that he trusted in science instead of prayer. The LORD's punishment was swift and just: the doctors cut off the wrong breast, and mother died of cancer anyway. I wept, because it could have all been avoided if only my mother had stoned my brother, as the LORD had commanded.
At this point, I despaired exceedingly. I rent my clothes, dressed in sackcloth, and lay down in ashes. My life seemed so difficult, but I never doubted that the LORD had a plan. Why did Father suffer so much? Why did he die so gruesomely? Had my brother been corrupted by Lucifer? This seemed likely, since my brother caused my mother's death. My mother's only failing was that she loved her son more than GOD. GOD's retribution was, of course, just. I rejoiced, but the pain was still there. I knew some calamity must befall my brother. I hoped it would be something swift like a bolt of lightning, but I knew in my heart that the LORD had a fate more horrible in store for him than the pregnant women HE ordered ripped to shreds in II Kings.
My brother began making an untold fortune by donating sperm to sperm banks around the world. His supply was inexhaustible. I pleaded with him to end this sin, but he loved Mammon more than GOD. I cried, "But you can't take it with you to heaven!" He just laughed and left on a Caribbean cruise. Angered for the LORD's sake, I prayed that GOD would have him swallowed just like Jonah; then he would change his ways! Thankfully, my prayers were answered.
A gang of homosexuals raped my brother and threw him overboard. God had prepared a great fish to swallow my brother. My brother wallowed in the fish's belly for three days, while being slowly and agonizingly digested by its stomach acid. My brother wanted to repent to the LORD, but GOD hardened his heart just as HE did to Pharaoh. Instead of repenting, my brother spilled his seed inside the great fish! Then the fish shat my brother onto the dry land. When I saw him in the hospital, he was disfigured beyond recognition. His skin was falling off of his bones and I could not tell what was holding him together. I rent my clothes and begged him to repent.
But GOD hardened his heart once more, and my brother once again began to touch himself in an impure manner. Wrinkling his rotting nose in disgust, he said to me, "You smell worse than that fish! Why do you torment me so? GET OUT OF HERE"! Just then he ripped his decaying privy member off in his hand.
Blood spewed everywhere, and my brother screamed in unendurable agony despite the evil drugs which had been forced upon him by Lucifer's servants.
The doctors vainly tried to staunch the flow of blood using scientific methods, even though I informed them that only prayer could work. At last he died. If only they had tried prayer, he might have lived. Still though, I praised the LORD for setting my brother as an example of what men are NOT to do. Just imagine going through this pain for all eternity in Hell!!
Now all alone, with only Jesus for comfort, I sit and wait for the rapture.
Jesus, in HIS infinite MERCY, will soon return in blood drenched robes with a sword sticking out of HIS mouth to wreak HIS loving vengeance upon those blasphemers who refuse to accept HIS infinite LOVE. I hope to be a cheerleader in heaven, as the archangels pour the seven bowls of GOD's wrath upon the earth. I want to see all those unbelievers and atheists suffering under the wonderful and LOVING plagues that GOD has in store for them. I want to help Jesus cast all the heathen into the lake of fire. This is the only hope and desire which I have left. HALLELUJAH! PRAISE JESUS! THE LORD IS COMING TO JUDGE BOTH THE QUICK AND THE DEAD! TURN OR BURN!
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