E R N I E ' S   H O U S E   O F   W H O O P A S S

First one is a now-famous story in parts of Boston. Ive actually heard people telling others this tale of woe, without having known them. Anyway, on to the horror... I went to school at Northeastern University in Boston, where (if you participate in the co-op program) you usually have to take summer classes every other year. During the summer, the campus is pretty quiet, and no one wants to be there studying while everyone else is out playing in the sand.

So, one year, I was in a pretty tough class on American Law, and a few of us in the class started sending emails to one another, kind of sharing the workload. One girl from the class sent me an email that was pretty friendly, so I started talking to her off an on. Didnt think anything of it, because she was a "goth chick" (dyed black hair, pale skin, piercings till tuesday... not my type). Anyway, we got pretty friendly, and decided to hang out and study one Sunday.

"Hanging out studying" quickly turned into spending an afternoon at a cheap bar in Cambridge (where she lived) boozing it up. We end up going back to her apartment, and one thing leads to another (while "goth girls" arent my type, Im a guy and my hard-ons tend to point me towards anything moist). We're fooling around, my shirt comes off and she starts kissing down my chest...

"Sweet", I think, "This is heading in a positive direction".

Suddenly she clamps her teeth down on a nipple, and down *hard*. My eyes go wide, and I squeel like a lil' pig. I pull away from her and grab my now-bleeding nipple in horror.

She starts apologizing, saying she gets all carried away when shes horny.

"Hmm...she's horny", my drunken mind tells me, "Take one for the team and get that blow-job, trooper!". So, I pass it off like nothing, saying it wasnt a big deal, and that I was just a little shocked. We start warming up again, and th! ings really pick up... Off go my pants, and shes heading south. At the point where her face is right next to my cock, she starts teasing my with her hand and asks, "Did you like it when I bit your chest?".

Now, I think any guy would agree, when youre about to get a blow-job, you'll agree to anything. I feel my semi-numb head nod a couple times, and I mumble something like "loved it", all the while twisting my hips to point the compass towards her mouth. She starts working on me, and I just get that relaxed "all is good with the world cause Im being blown" feeling when she takes me three-quarters of the way into her mouth, clamps down on me and rakes her teeth up to the top.

I dont remember what happened next, but I suspect I turned green and tossed her off me violently, because the next thing I knew, I was curled up in a fetal position on her fuckin' futon, and she was 10 feet away and crying. At this point, we're at a sort-of stand off.

I'm obviously freaked out, but have no historical reference on how! to deal with a situation like this. Shes probably thinking of chewing on my foot, for all I know, but she seemed pretty upset.

Wordlessly, I grab my clothes and start dressing, at which time she starts flipping out... She's apologizing, crying and making excuses while Im trying to zip up, tie my shoes and make for the door all at once. I keep trying to think of something to say that would avoid a confrontation, while getting me the fuck outta Dodge, but theres this really painful burning sensation radiating from my crotch that overwhelms rational thought.

I end up busting out of the place like frankenstein, walking into things, gutteral noises erupting from my throat and not stopping for doors/walls/people in the way. I make it to the car, and realize start driving around Cambridge in a numb state... At one point, I pulled over and whipped it out to check damage. There were two scratches running up my dick, skin broken and a small amount of blood there.

By now, Im crying. I manage to find my way back to a recognizable spot, and call a buddy from a pay-phone.

True to the word "friendship", he starts laughing his ass off, but meets me at a bar where we proceed to drink away the pain of goth-chick teeth.