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Film Review: Transsexual Horse Lover 3

They say that every image tells its own story. But sometimes, you see something that only leaves you filled with questions.In one of the countless porn shops in one of the countless side streets in the Red Light District, I came across this film last weekend. The title alone stopped me in my tracks. "Transsexual Horse Lover 3." My mind wrestled, and I began to accept some difficult facts:

1) Somebody got a he-she to fuck a horse.
2) They got it on tape.
3) They'd done this twice previously.

The cover supported some of these conclusions, in as much as it depicted a person with a penis and breasts holding onto a horse's cock.I noted the information and moved on, reaching my favorite little smut-hole (Amsterdam residents will probably know it; the one with the orange handmade sign proclaiming cheap DVD's inside, within sight of Casa Rossa. I don't think it has a name.) They usually have a discount bin, so I went rummaging. I guess it was my lucky day: my SECOND encounter with Transsexual Horse Lover 3 in the same night. Surely, the gods' hands were guiding my actions. After all, the other store wanted something like 150 guilders for it, and here it was only... well, let's not talk about what I actually paid for it. It raises more embarassing questions and nobody really wants to hear me complain.

So. Transsexual Horse Lover 3.

The opening shot is an homage, I suppose, to Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music, only instead of a beautiful, precocious music teacher dancing down a lush Austrian hillside it's a guy with tits wearing a bikini running through a muddy field with his dick in his hand. I don't know where this takes place - there are no landmarks to spot and no closing credits. The dialogue consists entirely of unintentionally recorded directions in Porguguese (purely a guess - it sounds kind of like Spanish and Brazil seems a likely place to make a film like this).

The characters: A big horse, a medium horse, a pony, and our hero, whom I will call Lucio (I met a Brazilian faggot once by that name). Don't let the tits and bikini fool you - Lucio looks like he works out, even though he's got a bit of a gut. He doesn't look like the obvious junkie that appears so often in this industry (raising yet another question). After fingering himself at length while lying in the field, he and his equine companions navigate a sordid love quadrangle.

A blow-by-blow (heh) account of the film would be utterly boring, but there are some notable highlights.

- The largest horse makes several attempts to kick the shit out of Lucio, who is not exactly gentle with the horse's cock.

- This horse has a very tempermental erection. The warrior crawls out, ready for action, and tends to retreat the moment Lucio's hand gets anywhere near. Completely understandable.

- The horse's trainer can be heard off camera (and, despite his best efforts, seen in several shots) giving irritated instructions. One begins to get a vague mental image of how this whole thing went down: "Well, the boss is gonna be gone until Thursday, so OK, I guess you can do the movie here, I get 500 dineros remember, but if anybody hurts one of the animals I'm gonna blow his fuckin' head off. And yours, and the cameraman's, and anybody else you bring with you. And I'm gonna shove that camera up your ass, and I'm gonna bury your dead fuckin' bodies in the furthest corner of the field and piss on your corpses." And then Chick with Dick shows up, and he says "Jesus H. Mary and Joseph, what the fuck is that? Hey, gonna do the horsie, pretty boy? Huh? You want a big cock, I got one here for ya..."

- Lucio makes several vain attempts to do something really interesting with the horse's dick, like stick it in his ass where it belongs. It's just not long enough from where he's standing. At about 45 minutes into the film, the World's Smartest Man finally hits upon the idea of getting UNDER the horse, though even this isn't entirely successful. Likewise, the attempts at oral sex are half-assed: the tip of the horse's dick never approaches the mouth, and Lucio tries to get away with gnawing at the side.

I really can't say any more about Transsexual Horse Lover 3. As Roger Ebert once said, this film has to be seen to be believed, though that may be too high a price to pay. I tried to take some screen photos but they didn't really turn out, so you'll have to either use your imagination or find the video. Though I did manage to scan the front and back cover, which I will email to anybody who is interested.

-- RA