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A couple of years back, while I was doing my regular line of duty in the Emergency Room for our area, we received an admission into the Crash area. I was at the desk, finishing up some paperwork, when in rolls this lady....probably the most HUGE lady that I'd ever seen in my life...very tall, and VERY big!! She was moaning at the top of her lungs, dressed in all her glory in her old bathrobe and houseslippers.... and the poor thing was obviously in serious pain..

She had been transported in by our Paramedics, the poor bastards...took four of them (two were taking a short break on the dock and were giving their "brothers in arms" a hand) to haul her ass in...I'm amazed that they didn't break the gurney (stretcher to you non-medical folks)...OR their backs as she wailed in their poor ears down that ambulance docking hallway like a banshee in heat. Bear in mind, I dearly love my Paramedic teams, as they are some of the nicest and most hardworking people in the world....these guys deserved triple time or better for handling this gal for sure!! She had to have topped the scale at over 400 lbs.... She was clutching wildly at her abdomen, hollering "I'm gonna die, I"m gonna die!!" Well, needless to say, the voice of experience tells you that when a patient comes in yelling something like that, you learn to listen. Frequently, they CAN be right on target.

Anyway...I digress....She had been run through the Treatment unit, in hopes that they could quickly find a cause for her massive discomfort...and as usual, if nothing can be figured out pretty fast, they come to us in Crash. SO...at that point, they wheel her into Crash 8.

As we are a teaching hospital, and the on-duty ER docs couldn't find anything on initial exam, and there was no history to account for this acute episode. They called in the Staff Surgery team to see if they could help out with the diagnostics. After stripping her down, following up with much poking, prodding, pushing a finger up her ass to see if they could feel any "foreign bodies" they decided to shoot an X-ray series. She was rolled up....down,...back....forward... ....and all of our ER techs were in backbreaking misery. She was too damned big to read anything on those films...not one X-ray showing a damned thing. The NEXT step?? CT Scan (computerized tomography) .

Now, the table on this scanner was barely big enough to hold this woman, but being the diligent health care team that we are, we loaded her up, strapped her "hummingbird ass" onto the gantry and did our level best to "see what we could see"....which also yielded nothing. No lab work came back with any answers, either.....Stumped....we took her back to the ER to further ascertain her situation....with her hollering the entire time.

The surgeons had begun the discussion of taking her to the OR in order to open her up....trade name, exploratory laparotomy. I mean...the demonstration this woman was giving us would make you feel that she was fucking POSSESSED!! I guess some of this conversation was soaking into her head....and we were busily attempting to sedate her after ruling out anything neurological... and she was becoming increasingly difficult to handle....WHEN....ALL OF A SUDDEN.....she manages to grab the gurney rail, pull/rock/roll herself over to the side.... and lets loose with a repeater tidal wave of liquid shit that splattered everyone in the "backside 180 degrees" of that room. You'd have thought a SCUD missile was coming our way...I hadn't heard an expulsion like that since...well, hell, I had NEVER heard anything like that out of a human being's ass!!!!!

The tile walls of the Crash room were literally covered in shit....our supply carts and crash carts had been splattered like I'd never seen before in my life. AND....those poor ER techs...as this wasn't a Trauma situation, the protective gowns weren't on... were trying to keep her ass from falling to the floor....but thank heaven, their goggles were in place! You'd have thought those guys were standing behind a 4WD spinning out its wheels in the biggest goddam mud bank that ever existed. The spew was ungodly and.... the SMELL!! I swear, something was rotten up there, and decided to take that opportunity to seek its way out......and it was truly a Kodak moment. After "Old Faithful" blew her geyser....she was completely "well" again ....and her daughter finally came to take her home. I sure hope they give that lady more roughage and fluids in her diet from now on. It took the entire shift to clean up that room so it could be used again.

After this experience, and even after all of the messy Trauma cases I've worked....I have a new respect and appreciation for that ugly green tile on the ER walls.....

credit given to original author if known

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