E R N I E ' S   H O U S E   O F   W H O O P A S S

I was a bit younger than I am now. I was dating this guy a bit older than me. Isn't that the way it always is? We'd been dating for about a year. Long enough to be semiserious. Me crashing at his house, meeting the parents, vacation together. All that happy bullshit. Anyway, we'd been dating about a year when he got ill.

I went over to his house on a Friday night expecting to stay the weekend, get laid a few times, go out to dinner a time or two, all the normal stuff. Except he was running a fever. Fuckin grand. I was to spend my weekend playing nursemaid. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a cruel person, but men are whiny when they are sick. A woman will have a fever, have the runs and be harfing and still go on with life. A man gets a sore throat and the world is over. Fuckin pansies. Anyway, he's laying on the couch moaning (not the kind of moaning I was looking forward to). He's bitching about not feeling good. Said his back hurt, his whole body hurt, blah, blah, blah. I shove some toast down his throat, get him to drink some water and Tylenol and off to bed (to sleep) we go.

I wake up sweating my ass off in the middle of the night. I have a furnace curled up next to me. He's shivering, teeth chattering and he's pale as hell. So, I snap the light on, snag a thermometer and take his temp. It's reading 103. That's a bit high. I make him swallow some Tylenol and sit up for another half hour to see if it brings his fever down. It doesn't go down, it goes up. It reaches 104 and he starts harfing all over the place. I drag him out of bed, get him dressed (he can't do much more than shiver) and off to the hospital we go.

We get there, I tell them what's wrong. They scoff a bit when I tell them what his temp was before leaving the house. He then proceeds to harf all over the admin. clerks desk. They shove an itty bitty basin under his chin and wheel him back to a room. They take his temp and yes it's 104 point something or another. Apparently, you start to fry your brain at that point. So, they start running around and putting those little squeeze icepacks all over him. This goes on for a bit. They draw countless vials of blood. By this time he's dry heaving and shaking more. His white cell count is three times what it should be. Which means he has a killer infection. So, they draw even more blood and get a urine sample. Little bit more time goes by and we find out he has a kidney/bladder infection.

They take him to run more tests, I'm twiddling my thumbs, leafing through a two year old copy of cosmo when the doctor comes back. He has a stricture, he tells me. I just look at him with that lovely blank look that says "I don't know what they hell you are talking about." He then explains to me that a stricture is scar tissue in the urethra. It builds up over time, narrowing the urethra tube, causes urine to back up and that's why he got a kidney infection. So, they are going to remove the stricture. He'll then have to wear a catheter for a month the urethra can heal. They take him up to surgery (by this time they have gotten his fever under control and have administered antibiotics).

Surgery is done, doc comes down to talk to me. He then explains to me exactly what they do. They take an instrument and insert it into the urethra to widen it. Then they take a scraping tool (forgot the exact term for it) and scrape out the scar tissue. Basically he just got his dick weed-eated on the inside. They then insert the catheter to keep it open. Seems that with all the blood it would just heal closed. Not only do they have to do that, but they have to pack the opening around the catheter with what looks like mini-tampons for the first two days. So, he not only had a catheter he has little strings hanging out of his pecker. These are removed after two days (boy you should have seen him come up off the bed when they yanked those bad-boys out).

For the next four weeks he would have to wear a catheter to prevent infection and to make sure it healed properly. There is nothing funnier than a man with a catheter and morning wood. He, of course, said it hurt like a bitch, I found it amusing.

After all this healed he found out the fun stuff. When he had the catheter removed he found out that he will have to self catheritize himself once a month. Once a month he would have to lube up a catheter tube, insert it into his urethra to check to see if the stricture was coming back. The doctor said he would probably have to have the surgery every four to five years. If it came back sooner he would have to have a graph inserted.

So remember girls, next time you rack a guy you could cause this. Guys, next time you fall off your bike and rack yourself you could be causing this.

Happy Peeing

~Brandi~