E R N I E ' S   H O U S E   O F   W H O O P A S S

It all started my senior year, one day around thanksgiving. My computer's monitor blew out, and being a piece of shit computer anyway, I started saving for a whole new system rather than buy a new monitor.

Of course, in the meantime I had to find another computer to mooch from. I found this in my ex girlfriend, Amanda, who I'd made up with and become friends with. She lives a good distance away from me, so I was really only able to mooch the car from my parents to go check e-mail on the weekends.

Some background, so you'll see where this is going: I'm a good pool player, and I'd noticed that my pool game was off, and I wasn't feeling quite myself. I was tired all the time, and my grades had slumped slightly.

So I'm at Amanda's house on a saturday, checking e-mail. I flop down in her roller chair in front of her computer, and I feel this pain in the top of my ass crack. Me, being the typical male, think it's nothing, but I did bounce in the chair only to find that the padding was weak in the middle, and the pole that the chair itself sits on is pushing through, and kind of kicking me in the ass as I bounce. Enough of that.

"Alright," I think to myself, "I just hit that hard. No biggie."

Well, it hurt a bit more as I rode home after staying for dinner with Amanda's family. And a bit more the next day.

Monday it was tolerable, but I was beginning to think that I had bruised my tail bone.

So Tuesday, the fun (?) begins. I'm at school, and by 3rd or 4th period, I've broken out in a raging fevor. And I do mean raging. I mean I'm sweating, and quivering from the chills, and I've gone dead pale. And to make matters worse, my old piece of shit Jeep is in the garage on jacks, having the clutch servied. Fuck. That means I have to either walk the mile to my house (normally not a big deal, but just moving around in my seat was becoming a problem).

Staying for the rest of the day is out of the question, as now I'm having to lower myself carefully to my seat in class.

By now, I'm noticing something is wrong. I HAVE to get home and cover up, as my mom is a nurse and can give me some medicine and I can be back for school the next day. Besides, my afternoon classes were a joke, all with the same teacher, and he thought I was the coolest kid ever, and when all was said and done, he never even counted my absenses.

So I get a ride home from a friend. I do this because a friend of mine who's trying to quit cigarettes and nic fitting slaps me upside the head (as friends do) when I said something stupid. This nearly knocks me over and unconsious. Time to get home.

As luck would have it, mom got out early and came home to find me laying shivering on the couch, wrapped in a blanket with the electric heater on full blast. I relate to her why I'm there and not in computer science, and she says "Ok, Doctor time".

Now, to this point, I'm thinking get some stuff from mom, sleep it off. I have to be nearly dying to say doctor. She drags me out, kicking and screaming.

I'll skip the waiting room stories and the ride there, save to say that I was STANDING in the waiting room for 30 minutes and had to lay on my side in the car because my ass crack hurt so bad.

Alright. So here's the fun part. Doc takes one look at me and says "Polynydal cyst. Must come out. Now."

"But Doc," I say, "Can it at least wait until the weekend?" I was thinking of needles and pain, two things I can live without. I figure I can take it until the weekend, surely it'll be gone by then.

"Nope," He says, "You won't be able to walk by tomorrow."

What's a Polynydal Cyst, you ask? Well, basically, a hair on my ass got ingrown, but kept growing. It got bigger and bigger and got more and more stuff in there, sweat, more hair, boxer lint, etc. Not that I have a dirty ass, all it takes is one hair, and it even happens to women who don't have hairy butts. At any rate, the body forms a little sac around this, to keep it from affecting the rest of the body. This works well, except when it keeps growing. And growing. And growing. Basically like the world's largest zit. And all it leaves on the surface is a little red, slightly swolen bump that couldn't be seen through my ass, which, yes, is quite hairy.

So what does Doctor Giggles do? Well, first he shoots up my ass crack with novicane. Now, I've had some pretty nasty shots, in the wrist, the sole of the foot, the gums, the tongue, and this hurt worse than them all. Imagine the pain of the initial shot in the mouth the dentist gives you- now picture that pain plus acid times about ten million. I seriously thought he was pouring molten lava down my ass it hurt so bad.

"How long 'til I'm numb," I ask.

"You already are," My mom, who's a nurse and has seen several dozen surgeries and is therefore still in the room, informs me.

But it was too late. She didn't need to tell me. I suddenly felt the rush of liquid down the back of my balls. It was hot and thick- blood. Then, the room started to feel extremely hot. I hear the sound of cutting from my ass, and the doctor says something to the effect of "Holy shit!". Then he picks with his fingers for a second, and I feel what feels like string coming out of my ass. The pain was numb, but I could still feel tugging and pushing and pressure.

Then came the smell. The smell of rotten puss and stagnant blood. It smelled like someone had taken wet dog food, poured beef blood on it, microwaved it, and left it sitting on a table for 2 days. It permiated the air so that if you breathed through your mouth, you could only taste it.

More pulling. And I kept hearing these wet plopping sounds, which, as I looked over my left shoulder, I saw were pieces of blood soaked hair and fuzz about 3 inches long being dropped into the biohazard bag. Then, the doc said "Oh my God."

There, I felt the worst pain of my life. The doc squeezed this giant pimple, and I felt ten thousand knives drive into this new second asshole I'd developed. I could FEEL something big and vaguely round coming out the hole, and then the smell of rotten meat and eggs was so thick, my mom nearly passed out. She got up and left the room. I can't imagine how much that would've hurt without the novicane.

Now it's getting bad. My mom, a nurse of 30 years, who has held a beating heart in her hand, had to leave the room. Uh-oh.

Three or four more plops and a bunch of pushing on my ass, and doc tells me to pull up my pants, I'm done. I look down, and my boxers are completely stained with blood. It looks like I butchered a cow wearing nothing but those boxers.

I had to run outside, because I'm having an allergic reaction with the novicane and I'm about to puke. However, I know that fresh air will keep the charfing at bay, as I've had this problem before. I make it outside, mom comes out after paying, and already my fever is gone. I get in the car, and my ass feels so good that I can sit, and what's more, drive.

Now all I have is 5 weeks of going and having the gauze that's shoved in the hole that's remaining (the pressure I felt) changed. And after that, mom gets to clean it with a q-tip every other day. Why? Because, much like a blackhead, my ass has a hole that's essintially like a stretched open pore- the skin healed around the cyst while it was in, so I have to wait for my body to fill the hole BACK up, or I'll get another cyst, worse than before.