E R N I E ' S   H O U S E   O F   W H O O P A S S

Lunchtime comes at the same time every workday. And since I’m trying to keep as many hours on the clock as possible, I usually try to keep to only a half an hour to eat. Which means I inevitably find myself at our local “Wendy’s” TM. And most of the time I don’t even mind the ultra greasy burgers. So, since I go in there often enough, some of the staff has come to know me by reputation.

After all, who else orders a triple combo with cheese, “Biggie” sized, and 3 Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers?

One of the staff of this particular “Wendy’s” is an incredibly helpful Tard named Lois. Lois is just fine taking out the trash or wiping down tables. She’ll even offer to take your tray and refill your drink for you. And, as long as you don’t look directly at her teeth, or hair, or… Well, as long as you don’t look at her, you’re ok.

But, even if you don’t look at her there’s still her ever-present voice wafting through the air much like her breath. “You wants sthome more dwink?” “Are you done sir?” Were common phrases I had been able to break down into meaning. And when someone would say something funny, and sometimes for no apparent reason she would break out in a raspy, hoarse, laughing “Bwa-ha-ha-ha He-he-he-he-al”

So anyway, a couple of days ago, I’m choking down my cheeseburgers when I hear another voice life over the buzz of the restaurant. “Banana mo-wanna, bachew cheese.” It said. And with most of the staff hardly speaking English, trying to translate Tard-speak into Spanish was impossible.

“Ba-na-na mo-wanna, ba-chew cheese.” Even I tried hard to discern for myself what the hell this lady was talking about. All I could tell was that she sounded like her tongue was sewn to the roof of her marble filled mouth. She sounded like she was trying to gargle peanut butter. So what should happen but along comes the overly helpful Lois.

This Tard looks at Lois and says intelligible phrase “Banana mo-wanna, bachew cheese.”

And Lois says, “I don’t know what you saying.”

“Banana mo-wanna, bachew cheese.”

This time the Tard was getting very agitated and was pacing around, to which Lois responds “I don’t know what you saying.”

More babbling.

“Slow down!” Lois finally screamed.

Pretty soon everything degenerated as Tard tried to translate for Tard. Lois was trying her best to un-garble the increasingly insistent message. By now the whole restaurant was pulling for a conclusion, any conclusion just to shut the two of them up. All of a sudden the Tard stopped moving altogether. And a very passive look of serenity passed over her mongoloid face.

I admit it, I was hoping she just stroked out and would fall dead on the floor. But no, what I couldn’t see, was what Lois let the whole restaurant know in and overtly loud voice, “Oh no! You went pee in you pants! You gonna be in twouble!”

The whole restaurant gasped and I had to control myself from shooting my “Biggie” sized coke out of my nose. The Tard snapped back into reality as life returned to her face and she simply said “Shank-sue” and walked out the door. And Lois went back into the kitchen area mumbling about cleaning up the mess. She returned shortly with a mop and mopped up the floor in no time. She replaced the mop from where ever it was that she got it from and soon returned to offering her overt and breathy assistance.

“You want more dwink?”

~ Da Bear