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Jan 29, 2004

I Feel Musical Today

If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands.
If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands.
If you're happy and you know it, and you really wanna show it,
If you're happy and you know it, pull your ejection seat handle before you crash your $30 million plane.

If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands.
If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands.
If you're happy and you know it, and you really wanna show it,
If you're happy and you know it, try to act tough and drive your truck on the railing of a bridge.

If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands.
If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands.
If you're happy and you know it, and you really wanna show it,
If you're happy and you know it, balance yourself on the barrel of your M-16 automatic rifle.

smack a penguin -- donkeys in iraq

Jan 26, 2004

One More Week

So we here in New England have less than a week to go before we see our Patriots off to their second Super Bowl in three years. It seems almost every other car on the road has a Patriots bumper sticker; driven of course by a guy wearing a Patriots jacket and Patriots underwear. Yeah we've got some pretty hardcore fans here in New England. Now I won't be one of the guys making the trip to Houston slathered in blue and red to wave my big foam finger and watch them mercilessly bitchslap the shit out of the Panthers, but I'll be there in spirit. And perhaps even secretly wishing Carolina good fortune, because I still carry a grudge from that fucking Snow Bowl tuck rule horseshit. And I haven't forgotten you either, Gruden.

On a side note, I was hoping to add to my collection of Man Toys and buy a snowmobile this year, but with the whopping two inches of snow we have on the ground I don't much see the point. All this frickin Arctic weather we've been having has made it literally too cold to snow. We're expecting another few inches within the next couple of days but still...where's the snow man? I was all stoked into getting a sled. I even bought myself a snowmobile jacket! And yes, people will tell me I look like the Blue Power Ranger, which may seem insulting at first, but you have to realize I'll get to see the pink power ranger in the locker room. So neener, neener, neener.

rectal abcess - submarine life - the gift

Jan 23, 2004

Boobs To Anchor Yourself To

Catherine Bosley, the anchorwoman who got a little carried away in a wet t-shirt contest during March 2003, was forced to resign recently after photos taken of her during the event were then posted on the web. What the fuck for? I mean she's got a pretty nice bad body, she's not ugly, her boob job isn't perfect but certainly not bad. I mean the lady was on vacation with her husband, she geared down and showed the goods. So who the fuck cares? Her network can't possibly think that something like this would cause their ratings to suffer, please. Christ, they'd probably get a tenfold increase of male viewers between the ages of 10 and 100, all of which would sit just a little too close to the television for their own good. So what gives? I just don't see the reason why they shit canned her. Wanna make her give a public apology, fine go nuts. But it's stupid fire someone over. Loosen up a little bit people.

Here's a small test. Take a look at these two birds. Study them closely and watch their habits. See if you can spot which of the two is the female. It can be done. Even by one with no skills whatsoever in bird watching. Here they are.

new tastelessness: a fistula -- impacted bowels -- jasper the terrier

Jan 20, 2004

Extraordinary Landing

I'm sure all of you have seen many choppers make some daring moves, but this one is spectacular. Hope you enjoy it. This attached shot was taken by a trooper in Afghanistan. Pilot is Larry Murphy, PA National Guard. Larry is a Keystone Helicopter Corp. EMS Pilot employee called to active duty. I must state that this is a unique landing operation. I understand that this particular military operation was to round up suspects.

We have some super reservists and National Guard folks out there in addition to our volunteer troops.

africola bottle -- bloated cow -- the crap eater

Jan 18, 2004

Oakland Raiders in 2005

Okay I'm starting to encounter more and more stupid people in my day to day life and that's a disturbing trend. For starters, I"m in a store the other day and I bought, I dunno a few bucks worth of crap, and the total came to $2.67. I hand a $5 bill to the future fashion designer dumb blonde girl behind the counter and she mistakenly punched in $2.67 as cash tendered, so the cach register didn't display the correct change for her. I stare blankly pert little tits while she stares blankly at the register and mouths "Oh Shit." Now you know, I really wouldn't think that making change for a five fucking dollar bill in your head would be that fucking challenging, but alas I was wrong. She stares at the keys for a good ten seconds and you can see her lips moving as she's trying to borrow a one from the tens column. "Two thirty three" I say. "Huh?" our future sexual harrassment plaintiff stammers back. "My change, it's two dollars and thirty three cents." She looks irritated, "I have to have the machine do it." and opens a drawer underneath the register and pulls out a calculator. Are you fucking kidding me? Have our public schools gotten so bad and our kids so dumb that they can't do simple subtraction in their heads? So she fumbles around with a few keys and presses the equal sign. I can read "$1.67" on the big numbered display. You've got to be kidding me. I just told her to keep the fucking change and walk out. The way I see it, I'll be stuffing money into her g-string in a few years anyway.

Smokers. Quit bitching about cigarette prices, please. Yes, I know they're up to almost $4.50 a pack. Yes I know a carton costs you over $40. I don't smoke. I don't care. The way I see it, you have two choices. You can either (a) just fucking quit smoking and thus quit bitching or (b) use your fucking head and buy your cigarettes somewhere other than your local convience store. Live near an Indian Reservation? Go there. Don't live near a reservation? Order them online. But please, quit bitching about how much money it's costing you. I don't care. Do what I do and buy booze instead. It lasts longer.

Check out this picture I took of a duck. I'm starting to become quite the photographer, eh?

And in case you haven't seen them elsewhere, here's the pictures of Saddam's capture that have leaked out on the internet...

Jan 16, 2004

Kinetic Energy Released

Wow, it's almost like we're an educational site lately, what with all this physics and shi'yat. Anyway, here's a neat video from the gun camera of an AH-64 Apache attack in Iraq. Now while we don't know who these unlucky bastards were, I can tell you the guy in the middle of the road gets fucked up. As I noticed his white image on the infrared get bigger and bigger as his innards are scattered, I sat wondering, "just how fucked up was he?" And so, let the physics begin...

stop 100% of the spam 100% of the time with spamarrest

Jan 14, 2004

Simple Harmonic Motion

Simple harmonic motion is typified by the motion of a mass on a spring when it is subject to the linear elastic restoring force given by Hooke's Law. The motion is sinusoidal in time and demonstrates a single resonant frequency.

The motion equation for simple harmonic motion contains a complete description of the motion, and other parameters of the motion can be calculated from it.

The velocity and acceleration are given by

The total energy for an undamped oscillator is the sum of its kinetic energy and potential energy which is constant at

Or, the way I remember...

Jan 12, 2004

Refresh Your Cache

Our next mission? To get Henry Earl to wear an EHOWA T-shirt when he gets arrested for public drunkenness for the 805th time. We've got a line on Henry and the forum members wanna throw in a fruit basket too. They're such softies.

And now that LBEH is over and I can return to our offensive & vuglar roots, I can now publicize the fact that yes, yes we do in fact have EHOWA T-shirts available to the general public. An just in time for Valentine's Day -- the perfect present for that long time EHOWA fan! There are even a few 'tamed down' ones should you not want to walk around work with "ass" on your shirt, you pussy.

And speaking of longtime EHOWA fans. What happens when you mix one EHOWA fan, one conquered foreign city, one camera, and one can of spray paint? Well you get this wonderful collection of pictures, that's what...

poster at iraqi airforce headquarters - another poster at iaf hq
busted ass tank - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6
yeah the iraqis know the deal - fix your broken ass cars here - bombed building
old korean war era mig15 - a piece of surviving iraqi armor
no soup for you saddam! - or you!
thanks wolfpack!

Thanks Mike, for helping to spread the word of Ernie!

Jan 8, 2004

The Holidays Are Finally Over

Thank Christ all that hectic shit is behind us for another year. Not that I don't like the holidays, it's just that it's tough to keep up with things and I know I have a lot of email to catch up on when I get back. And even then you're doing most of the work while still a little hung over.

You know, much like the speeding ticket tips, which was rattling around in my head for a few months before I finally sat down with a beer and typed it all out, I"ve got a few other things I'd like to drone on about sometime in the near future.

For starters, why I'm letting my subscription to MAXIM magazine expire. Aside from the fact that I nor anyone I know can afford the $700 shirts they peddle in the back, I'm sick of flipping through two pages of ads for every one page of readable bathroom material.

And secondly, why I'd like to see people stop putting those fucking rainbow stickers on the backs of their cars. Want to be seen as just "Linda" and not "Lesbian Linda"? Great then quit advertising that fact on the back of your Subaru Outback and maybe one day you'll accomplish your goal.

But more on those later. For now, let's just relish in the fact that we're not as stupid as others.

I've also got some pretty fucking cool picture from Iraq to post. One of our troops there is a big EHOWA fan and low an behold he's got a can of spraypaint with him! This is going to be oodles of fun!

Jan 5, 2004

So Did Ya Miss Me?

So I've had the last two weeks off, and I gotta tell ya it was probably two of the best fucking weeks I"ve had in a long time. No work. Didn't even think about my job once. That is until my alarm clock went off at 7:30 this morning, just in time to bring me to my senses and catch the -hork!- -hork!- -hork!- sound of my dog vomiting under the covers. So I jump out of bed and toss the pooch in the tub in case he barfs again (he didn't of course) and strugge to get my legs into a pair of pants. I fall over, but not into the vomit for those of you wondering. Then of course when it's time to go to work, I have to scrape a half an inch of ice off my fucking truck.

Man, I need a fucking vacation.

Anyway, we've got a LOT of loose ends to tie up here on EHOWA, given that LBEH ran a snot load fucking longer than I think anyone had expected it to. How long you might ask? How about I just booked one of the last tickets this morning. How about on Christmas day, while the nieces and nephews were opening my presents, I had my laptop purring along and was talking to the airlines on my cell phone. How about most nights Kat was up until 3-4am scrounging for cheap fares. So yeah, about that long.

But alas, our efforts were fruitful. Yes, quite fruitful indeed. At last count? That ticket I booked this morning was #160. Yeah you heard me, one hundred and sixty. And how did we pay for it? With the $58,000 that YOU people donated. Yeah you heard me, fifty eight large. To quote John Shaft, "you're damned right!"

So thank you fair reader, for making LBEH such a success. Everyone who donated will be getting an email from me with some of the specifics soon enough. I just have to catch up on a few things.

And one of those things is.....dum see dum... the WINNERS OF THE BEST TITS CONTEST!

Coming in at third place with 14.2% of the popular vote, we have these delicious mammamries from Sin City! I got two words for you baby. Show Girl!
[2] [3] [4] [5]
Next in the boobie food chain are these lovelies from our comrades in Russia, scoring a full 20.3% of the captive audiences attention!
[2] [3] [4]
And this year's champion and newly crowned Best Tits on the List 2003 queen, tans her golden globes in none other than the Golden State...
[2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9] [10]

Now how about that ladies and gentlemen! Did we not have some terrific entries this year! And I don't just mean entries because their boobs enter the room before the rest of them does! Lots of quality boobs this year, and I'd like to thank EACH of the ladies for baring those bubs for my sinful pleasure! I know we didn't get the chance to have as many sub-categories this year, so I'd like to take a minute and recognize a few pairs of boobs that I think deserved a bit more recognition!

The Holy-Shit-I-Can't-Believe-They-Didn't-Do-Better-What-The-Hell-Is-Wrong-With-You-People Award goes to.... Contestant #28!
[2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9] [10] [11] [12]
The Oh-Sweet-Jesus-I-Hope-My-Wife's-Body-Looks-This-Fucking-Terrific-When-She's-Over-40 Award goes to... Contestant #29!
[2] [3] [5] [7] [8]
The Hey-Watch-Where-You-Point-Those-Things-Or-Someone's-Going-To-Lose-An-Eye Award goes to... Contestant #6!
[2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9] [10] [11] [12]

So there you have it ladies and germs, the long awaited, long overdue, results in the Best Tits Contest! Winners will be able to dress their lovely boobies up in brand new garments after being awarded their gift certificates to Victorias Secret in the amounts of $250, $100, and $50, and the three Ernie Boobie Awards will each get one for $35.

Jan 1, 2004

Happy Fucking New Year.

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

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