E R N I E ' S   H O U S E   O F   W H O O P A S S

Think Outside The Box.

I wasn't sure if I was going to update today, or abandon all my shit and flee to New Mexico, but eh, here I am. So anyway, April has come and gone already, can you believe it? One third of 2005 is already gone. Time flies when you're havin fun I guess?

As much as I'd love to say these were genuine, because I've always thought the Prez's daughter Jenna is a total hottie, I can not tell a lie. This is just a chick who looks like her.

I'm Gonna Come Callin Soon.

Okay first and foremost, let me just say that some Monday I'm going to ask everybody to pull their weight on something. There's an abused dog counting on us, and I already gave the shelter manager my word we'd help out. So I'm counting on everybody to come through - don't be a Sean Shaefer.

Because you know if don't get your help, there will be a shitstorm.

Well, if you're a nerd who has $85,000 you can either buy a BMW and get laid or, buy this X-wing fighter and become an uber-nerd.

two chicks, with ice skates but no clothes, on the ice but no hockey sticks

Like My Penis, This Will Be Short.

A Muslim was killed in a car accident. He arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter says "I'm St. Peter. Welcome to Heaven". The Muslim says "Nice to meet you Peter but I'm a Muslim and I want to meet The Prophet Muhammad." St. Peter says "Sure no problem. Climb up that ladder behind you and you will meet Muhammad."

The Muslim climbs up the ladder, gets to the top and there is Moses. Moses says "Hi I'm Moses. Welcome to Heaven". The Muslim is very excited - "Moses, its such an honor to meet you. But like I told St. Peter, I'm a Muslim and I really want to meet Muhammad". Moses says "No problem. Climb up the ladder behind you and you will meet Muhammad.

The Muslim climbs up the ladder, gets to the top, he can't see anything but bright light. He sees this figure before him and asks "Who are you?" The figure responds - "I am God. Nice to meet you. Welcome to Heaven". God walks over and shakes his hand. The Muslim is stunned - he can hardly speak. He says to God "Sir, it is such an honor to meet you - I can't believe it - this place is great. But I'm a Muslim and, no disrespect intended, but I really want to meet Muhammad." God says "Ohh.. Your here to see Muhammad. I see. No problem. Have a seat. Get comfortable. Can I get you some coffee or something to eat?" The Muslim says "I would love a cup of coffee."

God yells into the kitchen, "Hey, Muhammad! Two coffees!"

one crazy nerd weekend - keep on hoeing!

Some People Fall Into A Bucket Of Shit...

...and come out smellin like a rose.

Thankfully, I am one of those types of people. You see, some of you recall last winter (of '03, not '04) when there was too much snow to ride my ATV, I was mulling around buying a snowmobile. I hemmed and I hawed, but I never did anything. I know the most practical thing to do would have been to buy a used one for a couple thousand dollars, but I also know myself and I may go out shopping for a two thousand dollar sled I'd soon talk myself into the eight thousand sollar model. Sure I'd love to have one, but I just didn't feel strongly enough to go dropping that kind of cash.

Well, while I was home visiting The Fam over this past Christmas, my brother and I were were boozing it up at the local watering hole called The Dakota Grill when I noticed a sign hanging down that said "Win This Ski-Doo" and had a picture of some dude ripping it up on a sled. Now I never win these things -- so far my retirement plan of winning the lottery has gone unfulfiulled -- but with a few beers to help you calculate the odds, eh, I bought four tickets. Well, two that night and two a couple days later, but who's counting, the proceeds benefit the local fire department.

That was what, four months ago? Might as well be a lifetime. Gone and forgotten.

That is until my cell phone rang last week. I recognized the 585 area code as being from Rochester, but didn't place withe next seven digits with anyone I know. But being the gambling man, I answer anyway,

"Como es stas?" "Is this Ernie?" "Yes" "This is [Somebody] from the Dakota Grill" [And suddenly I remembered everything in exact detail] "Did I win the sled?!" "Yes, you won the snowmobile!"

I quizzed her a few times to make sure this wasn't all some mean prank being played on me by my brother. But nope, I won a brand new snowmobile*! Retail cost of a 2005 Ski-Doo MX Z Adrenalin? $7,150. My cost? $40. It's good to be the king.

* Nephew not included

The Stupidity Of Man Astounds Me

I'm beginning to think evolution has stopped. That we a species have stopped progressing and bettering ourselves. We've all turned into mindless zombies cursed to wander around shopping malls. That perhaps, we've even reverted a little backwards towards the primordial ooze that we crawled out of so long ago. How else can you explain the following...

First we have a kid who is riding his ATV and is a little annoyed by his pant legs flapping around. Let's not dwell on the fact that no, he's not wearing any riding boots, but instead, let's get a few lenghts of rope and tie my pantlegs down. Oh, but don't trim the rope, because then there's no way for the loose end to get caught up in the sprocket thus wrapping his leg around the axle. Now stop for a minute. did this kid really need to be told that was a bad idea?

And finally, A pilot who can't obey a simple sign. I mean c'mon, it's not that hard people. My prediction is human beings will be extinct by 2050. And the meek shall inherit the Earth.

Some Remarkable Eating Habits

Statistics tell us you are 1,100 times more likely to die in a bicycle accident than a shark attack. In fact, the odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 265 million, which is about double that of winning the the grand prize on a single drawing of powerball -- 1 in 120,526,770. But, however remote the chances, people win the lottery, and thus people do in fact get killed by sharks. The Law of Large Numbers dictates that for (about) every two lottery winners there will be one hapless swimmer sacrificed to the Shark Gods. The most recent unlucky bastard was Geoffrey Brazier who met his demise about a month ago while snorkeling off the western c

If we are to believe that this shark didn't wake up that morning, stretch, put on his little shark slippers and decide, "Well I'm going to eat a human today," then we can assume the experts are right and this was a case of mistaken identity. Surely to a creature known for having horrible eyesight swimming upwards of 25 mph straight up towards the surface of the water, which is reflecting lights in an undistinguishable haze, a snorkeling human with fins on his feet sure looks a lot like a fast lazy (and tasty!) seal. Thus by the time the shark breaches the water, the game is over.

But in the interest of the horror, let's see if we can't analyze this shark attack just a bit and see if we can't come to some sort of understanding as to what Mr Brazier experienced before being eaten. Since he was snorkeling, Mr Brazier was already looking downwards and most likely saw the attacking shark coming up at him from the depths.

Water visibility in that area is between 50 and 90 feet so let's average it out and say water visibility was 70 feet. We already know the shark swims at 25 mph, which is 36 feet per second. So at first our illfated snorkeler would have seen a shadow from the depths growing larger and darker, a clear indication whatever it is, it was drawing closer. He might have felt alarmed at this point, but since he didn't know it was a shark yet probably more curious than anything else.

Then, as the shark closed to within the 70 ft barrier required to distinguish exactly what it was, Mr Brazier's eyes would go wide and he would probably began a frantic paddling in a futile attempt to actually outswim this ancient predator. As an experienced swimmer, his conscious mind would know this was an impossible task, but the survival instinct would be too powerful to ignore. As the shark rapidly closed the distance, there would be over two full seconds from the moment Mr Brazier first spotted the atacking shark to the moment of truth, an eternity for him to sit there completely helpless and paralyzed with fear as this prehistoric eating machine zeroes in him. With his diving mask on he'd have had a perfectly clear view of the shark's gaping mouth, easily four foot wide, and some 3,000 razor sharp teeth ready to tear hi

And that, my friends, is why I swim in a fucking pool. At least there I don't fear being killed and eaten since I don't look like a big fat cheeseburger.

Know Your Role

Okay, listen up, because I want to clear up a misconception. A lot of people think I'm an arrogant and egotistical prick who can't take criticism. This is simply not true. I welcome feedback, both good and bad. But I just have one simple rule: Those that do not contribute to EHOWA, do not get to bitch about EHOWA.

Sounds simple, right? If you've written in before to give feedback, sent in a few jokes, maybe provided some support for some of my pet projects like LBEH... then hey, by all means you've earned the right to write in and say that a particular post/subject/idea of mine sucks balls. It's a give and take relationship. No problem. I welcome feedback from smart people like this.

On the flip side, are those people who have never contributed a thing, have done nothing but suck up my resources for te past x-amount of years, and then decide they have the right to bitch about something. Nah, those people get spanked. I hurt your feelings? Awwwww, poor baby.

Pretty simple, eh?

Well The Weekend is Here

This guy goes into a pharmacy and says to the guy behind the counter, "Hey can I have a packet of condoms for my 10 year old daughter?" Shocked, the guy behind the counter says, "Your daughter's sexually active at 10 years old?" Other guy sighs, "No, she just lies there crying like her mother."

And it looks like someone has seen Poltergeist one time too many.

Holy Shit, I Forgot A Title

You know, for some reason, and I can't exactly put my finger on why, I feel like there's this weight on my shoulders that I just can't shrug off. And along the same lines, I have this uncontrollable urge to visit the midwest. It's weird, huh?

I do know, the British sometimes amuse me with their sense of humor, but all in all they're good people.

if you stare at this picture long enough, you might see a mirror

But I Don't Wanna Pay New York State Sales Tax

Spring here, which means beach weather is right around the corner. You know what that means - time to diet.

My preferred ringtone - the background music to the original Doom's map 1, mission 1!

Now I know I'm a cool motherfucker. But up until now, I never really realized just how fucking cool I really am. Because you see, thanks to my man Ben, I've got my own theme song. Whoop!

What's up homie? You think you tough man? Let me tell you, you don't want none of this Nigerian Thug Life!

finally, i get a chance to donkey bunch britney spears

Al Capone's Business Card Said He Was A...

So all you Catholics out there have a new Pope, eh? But the guy is already 78 fucking years old, which is going to make his reign about what, three maybe four weeks before he keels over? Think a little long term here, will ya? And with his last name, I can't think of anyone else but John Ratzenburger who played Cliff Claven on Cheers.

Hey Matt, If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?

Ah, spring time is finally here. Which me and some guys from work went out to walk around Lake Quanapowitt today...

Three More Things You Wish You Knew!

"Another enemy decoy, built in occupied Holland, led to a tale that has been told and retold ever since by veteran Allied pilots. The German "airfield," constructed with meticulous care, was made almost entirely of wood. There were wooden hangars, oil tanks, gun emplacements, trucks, and aircraft. The Germans took so long in building their wooden decoy that Allied photo experts had more than enough time to observe and report it. The day finally came when the decoy was finished, down to the last wooden plank. And early the following morning, a lone RAF plane crossed the English Channel, came in low, circled the field once, and dropped a large wooden bomb. Excerpted from the book, "Masquerade: The Amazing

Mount St. Helens continues to spew ash, while it is forming a lava dome in the crater and still having minor tremors. Here, in this sunrise shot, she appears to be blowing smoke rings. What forms the "smoke rings" is the air flowing over the mountain getting pushed up higher as it goes up and over the top. The moisture content and initial temperature are just right so that the moisture condenses from a vapor to small particles at the higher altitude. When the moving air moves past the peak and comes down again, the particles evaporate back to an invisible vapor. The two "pancakes" describe that there are two layers of air for which this is happening, thus making this picture possible.

Ewwwwww.

For those of you who missed it, I just held a contest over the weekend. Clearly the girl on the left was the winner.

Joe visits a brothel one night in desperation after not having gotten any action over for about a year. Being unemployed did'nt help as money was always short. He walks into the brothel and ask the guy in charge at the counter " do you have any girl's who do it on cheaply ". What the fuck do you mean the guy behind the counter growls ". "Well I only have 2 dollars and I haven't had any sex for over a year." The guy behind the counter begins to feel sorry for him and say's, "Ok then theres one up in the attic room, not much of a mover but for 2 dollars it's better than nothing. Oh and by the way you must not, I repeat must not, suck her tits. "

"Ok" Joe agrees. So Joe's on top getting on with the job of screwing her and think's to himself, "Christ the guy downstairs was right, she doesnt move much though she had one huge pair of tits", not wanting to spoil a good thing he resists the temptation and goes about his business. As Joe leaves the brothel he asks if he can come back later to the same girl for the same price and is told 'sure' he can visit her as often as he wants.

Great he thinks, so he is back every second night screwing the girl in the attic room but is reminded each time that on no terms must he suck her tits. After about 5 weeks had passed one night he was on the job and the temptation was too great seeing these lovely tits and not being able to restrain himself, he said to himself, " Oh fuck it I'm having a nibble" and puts his lips over her nipple and begins to suck like a baby when he gets a load of white coarse stuff in his mouth.

Enraged, Joe runs downstairs and pukes this stuff all over the guy behind the counter and yells "What the fuck is this? I sucked her tits and got a mouthful of rice!!" The guy behind the counter calmly replied, "That's not rice Joe, it's maggots, she's been dead for the past 6 weeks".

thank you jane doe!

The World's Shortest Fairy Tale.

A man asks a woman to marry him.
She says, "No."
He lives happily ever after.
The End!

US Airways Maintenance Alert! All outsourced maintenance personnel should be alert for cracks suddenly appearing in passenger windows. The following is an example of the type of damage that will be discovered.

This dining room set was put on ebay for sale by a man. Can you find the proof?

Well, That Sure Fucking Hurt, Thanks Tax-Man.

Little Known Tax Tips.

"Today the IRS gave some guidelines on how to avoid getting audited. Number one, don't list deductions that will raise a red flag. Number two, make sure you file on time. Number three, don't make any stupid anti-war speech at the Academy Awards." - Jay Leno

American taxpayers spend $200 billion and 5.4 billion hours working to comply with federal taxes each year, more than it takes to produce every car, truck, and van in the United States.

The Gettysburg address is 269 words, the Declaration of Independence is 1,337 words, and the Holy Bible is only 773,000 [I don't know what version the author was referring to] words. However, the tax law has grown from 11,400 words in 1913, to 7 million words today.

There are at least 480 different tax forms, each with many pages of instructions. Even the easiest form, the 1040EZ has 33 pages in instructions, and all in fine print.Taxes eat up 38.2% of the average family's income; that's more than for food, clothing and shelter combined.

Each tax season, Americans go through 236,000 gallons of coffee and 1.2 million cigarettes while preparing their returns.

Medical research has now confirmed that marijuana use has definite medicinal properties for treatment of glaucoma and other illnesses. The IRS has now ruled that expenses of medicinal marijuana can be deducted as a medical expense. However, be advised that to claim this deduction, you must file a joint return.

I Changed My Will Today.

I, _________________________ (fill in the blank), being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.

Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of peckerwood politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it.

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to sit up and ask for a cold beer, or a dry martini, it should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my spouse, children and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.

Under no circumstances shall the members of the Legislature enact a special law to keep me on life-support machinery. It is my wish that these boneheads mind their own fucking business, and pay attention instead to the health, education and future of the millions of Americans who aren't in a permanent coma.

Under no circumstances shall any politicians butt into my case. I don't care how many fundamentalist votes they're trying to scrounge for their run for the presidency in 2008, it is my wish that they play politics with someone else's life and leave me the fuck alone to die in peace.

I couldn't care less if a hundred religious zealots send e-mails to legislators in which they pretend to care about me. I don't know these people, and I certainly haven't authorized them to preach and crusade on my behalf. They should mind their own fucking business, too.

hacked again! phone conversation between linday lohan and paris hilton

man you're about as gay as a three dollar bill. no, seriously.

Listen To me And You'll Go Places, Kid!

So this afternoon I had the pleasure of showing up on the local district courthouse to face ye olde speeding ticket I got back in November of '04. Yep, time to put the Word of Ernie to the ultimate field test and see whether or not I know what the fuck I'm talking about, eh?

My court appearance was scheduled for 2:15pm, so being the good little doobie that I am, I show up at 1:45 hoping to win a few points for punctuality. I of course have to all but disrobe to get through the fucking metal detector and am really surprised at how old and beat up the building looks. Christ with all the vehicle excise tax I pay each year [boobies], I was expecting a gold inlay and Italian marble, but I digress. The Angry Old Cop Lady (AOCL) running the metal detector motions me through with a grunt, and after a seeing no apparent signs to direct me towards the traffic court, I ask her for directions.

She points to a doorway, "Down that hallway to the main lobby, go up to the second floor, and have a seat." Okey doke, piece of cake. I go through the doorway and face.... a stairwell. Where the fuck is the hallway? Do I go up? Do I go down? Where the fuck is the lobby? So eh, I go up because hey she said second floor, right? So up I go to a small room with no exits and no less than eight hundred and sixty three signs that read, "CELL PHONES ARE PROHIBITED IN THIS BUILDING!". Hmmm, another stairway, which leads back down to [boobies] the room I just came from, guarded by the AOCL. "I guess I'm not even close, huh?" I joke as I head back down the stairs towards her. "Well," she says with all the impatience she could muster, "if you had paid attention earlier you'd have found it." Hmmm, tough room. So I see how this is gonna go.

Anyway, long story short, I find thew traffic court, wait, wait, wait, wait, blah blah blah. I'd like to point out that I was very surprised to find I was the only person who showed up in a shirt and tie. What the fuck, didn't you read my article people? The name of the game is r-e-s-p-e-c-t! How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?

So, one by one people are called into the principal's office [boobies] for a closed session with the Clerk Magistrate and Some Important Cop Guy, presumably where you all hash it out about your ticket and try to pitch your side of the story. This hearing either fings you "responsible" or "not responsible" for your infraction. Not responsible means its thrown out, responsibe means yoiu can either pay your fine, or appeal again and request a second hearing which is held in front of a judge. There were about a dozen people called before me (mental note: change last name to "AARDVARK") and me and the guy I was sitting next to made a little game out of trying to read people expressions as they came out of the room. A slight smile meant a reduced fine, a frown meant no luck, and one guy came out still cursing under his breath. There were many more frowns than smiles.

So eventually, at about 3 o'clock or so, my name gets called and I'm escorted into the Room of Anal Violation. It's an actual courtroom but there's no judge or jury, just [boobies] a desk set up in the middle of the room with the Magistrate and SICG sitting on one side and an empty chair on the other. The Magistrate begins the hearing by having SICG read out the statement signed by the officer who issued me the citation...

The SICG finishes up and looks to the Magistrate, who turns to me and prompts, "Okay, and what is your side of what happened?"

Now pay attention here people, because this is important. No bullshit, no excuses, just fess up and take your lumps. I sat up straight and the first words out of my mouth were, "Well, I was speeding, I am absolutely guilty, the officer was 100% correct for pulling me over." Blank, awestruck faces stared back at me. I continued, "the only reason I'm here is because of some confusion on my part. If you look on the ticket itself, you'll see both "civil infraction" and "written warning" are checked off and I wasn't sure if I had to pay the [boobies] fine or not. I brought it to the Chelmsford Police and they said take it the Billerica Police. I brought it to the Billerica Police, and they said take it to the RMV. I brought it to the RMV in Reading, and the lady there wasn't sure, so she had me fill out the 'Not Guilty' section and request a hearing, and that brings us to where we are today. Again, I am guilty, I was driving too fast

Now somewhere on the original citation, I remember reading that if the 'fine' section is filled out with a number (which it was), then you have to pay that amount, period. So I was pretty sure I was screwed but I figured, eh, what the hell worth a shot, eh?

The two of them were both kind of speechless, they leaned into towards each other and scanned the ticket and whispered something among themselves. "Nobody come in here and says they're guilty," the Magistrate says with this shocked look on her face, "everyone always has a story. You know what, I'm going to find you 'Not Responsible' how about that?" And this woman gleefully scribbles her ruling on my citation and says, "Here you should take a copy of this," and stands up to shake my hand. "That's for telling the truth," she says, "Nobody ever admits they were in the wrong."

And with that, I walked out of the courtroom [boobies] past the sea of sullen faces, flash a thumbs up to my Traffic-Court-Buddy, and dance back down the stairway towards my sweet freedom!

So take it from your Uncle Ernie, kids. I talk the talk, and I walk the walk. Kneel before Zod, muthafuckas! Yeah baby!

python vs kangaroo. who do you think wins this one?

Why American Choppers Sucks Now.

You know, a few years ago American Choppers started out as a really kick ass show. I remember watching it and seeing all the screaming and yelling going back and forth between the Two Pauls and thinking, "Wow that's kind of like the Stewart household." Each week I'd tune in and sit all giddy on my couch watching the grinding, and the cutting, and the painting, oh, and the screaming. It was unique and entertaining.

But recently they seem to have lost their edge. I see a lot of repeat themes in the show. A lot of rehashing of old tricks. In short, it's just plain getting old. I'm convinced the producers use the following checklist to create each episode:

Thank God for my Tivo. I watch the first five minutes, skip to Mikey's joke, and then jump to the unveiling so I can see what the bikes look like. Don't get me wrong, I respect the Tuttles and the hard work they put in to get where they are today, I just think the idea has played out.

photos of denzel washington's visit to brookes medical center

Just A Little Feedback.

"Too many people - some of them judges - seem to think that freedom of speech means freedom from consequences for what you have said. If you believe that, try insulting your boss when you go to work tomorrow. Better yet, try insulting your spouse before going to bed tonight." -Thomas Sowell

I'm against so-called technological advancement. For example, it was a sad, sad day when transistors replaced telephone switchboard operators, because chips don't have breasts that jiggle up and down as they raise their arms to plug in the connection wires.

See, now making fun of the Pope like that is just wrong. I mean that's just plain fucked up. You're going to hell, Stu.

Last evening, the weather was really bad and it was raining like a motherfucker. The door-bell rang and when I answered it there stood a young girl who identified herself as a Jehovah's Witness from the hall down the street some. She was soaking wet. I felt sorry for her and asked her in the house for a cup of coffee and to dry off a little. As we were drinking our coffee, I asked what her 'happy message' was. I thought we might discuss some difference of belief but, she stuttered and said.... "I'm not sure....I never got this far..."

nice butcher block for you chicks

Sit Back Down.

During the entire Medal of Honor presentation ceremony there were flashbulbs popping off everywhere. No surprise for such an occasion, right? Well, storm of snapping cameras grew most intense just as the President was handing the framed citation to David, Paul's son, since this seemed to be the moment that captures the spirit of the ceremony. Well the guy next to me decided to stand up out of his chair to try to get a good clear picture since we had so many heads in our way.

It's important to note here, that we had a Secret Service agent sitting directly behind us. I could tell he was an agent because of the shaved head, the dark suit, and the earpiece. But the most obvious giveaway were his eyes: despite the huge ceremony unfolding on stage right in front of him, his eyes weren't on the events at all, but instead scanning the seemingly ordinary people in the crowd. So anyway, the guy next to me gets about two-thirds out his chair to take this picture, and we immediately hear three simple words from behind us: "Sit back down."

Now as I'm typing this, I'm finding it difficult to accurately describe this ordinary situation in a fashion that you can appreciate how extraordinary it was. The voice from behind us was urgent, but not loud. It was demanding, but soft spoken. It was very fast, and yet completely clear. "Sit back down." Now love him or hate him, standing in the room with the President is a pretty big attention getter. Yet despite this, these three simple words instantly commanded your focus above everything else. For the briefest of instants, you were not standing in the White House, there was no President, no press, no cameras; the only things that existed in the universe were your ass and a chair and you couldn't get the two together fast enough. It was, absolute.

Now keep in mind, I felt all these things and I wasn't even the person the agent was talking to, I just happened to be sitting next to the poor bastard who wanted better vantage point to take a picture from. But this guy apparently was as captivated by the agent's words as I was, because without so much as a word or a glance backwards, his ass came back down to his seat so fast I thought he dented his chair. And me? Even though I was already sitting, and I tried to sit down more.

In the seconds that followed, none of us looked behind us to see who had just spoken to us, first because we already knew who it was, and secondly because hey, we're macho and the Secret Service don't scare us, right? But T tell you what, when the ceremony was over and everyone was filing out, we were the last ones to stand up and when we did it was sloooooooow.

i'm sorry but does anyone else find jennifer ellison as freaking hot as i do?

Ah the Human Body. Did You Know...

The germs present in human feces can pass through up to ten layers of toilet paper. (But don't worry, mud is safe).

Contrary to popular belief, if you swallow chewing gum it does not stay in the intestines. Usually it will pass through the system and be excreted without incident. However, several cases have been reported where the gum has stuck in the rectum, causing the unfortunate sufferer to excrete long sticky trails of gum, like a pink spider's web.

If your body's natural defenses failed, the bacteria in your gut would consume you within 48 hours, literally eating you from the inside out.

What is one of the most difficult items for sewage works to handle, as it is insoluble, yet fine enough to pass through most filtration systems? Every month water companies from all over the world remove over a ton of this substance from their water treatment plants, whereupon it is taken away to a landfill site and buried. You guessed it: pubic hair.

Parasites count for 0.01% of your body weight.

The longest recorded tapeworm found in the human body was 33 metres in length.

So there you have it folks, six facts I bet you probably couldn't haved lived without.

Okay, Go Get Em Tiger.

All the pictures are up, the descriptions are written, and the story has been told. For those of you on dial up: dont even think about it. I wanted to keep the pictures fairly high quality and we're talking 1024x750 so they're about 300kb each, with a minimum of five to a page. So really, unless you're on a high speed connection you'll have to wait until I go through a second round of resizing this weekend to make them dial-up friendly.

I have chosen to host all the files on LBEH.ORG for two reasons. One, I didn't think it was appropriate to have pictures of either the President or Paul's family on my webpage where pictures of tits are just one click away. And two, ehowa.com is blocked by many government computers while lbeh.org is not, so that means nobody on a military installation could enjoy the photos; and that's kind of counterproductive.

And so I present to you...

Sgt. 1st Class Paul Ray Smith: A Real Soldier's Soldier

Busy Little beaver!

I am working furiously to organize some 200 pictures and size them down to a manageable level. I don't want to just throw them all up here without any kind of a description. The story behind each deserves to be told, and you deserve to hear it. They will be up today, I super double-dog promise. In the meantime here are some things to keep you busy!

some pictures of the marine's dragonfly uav in iraq

if you're an officer in iraq, here's where you can expect to sleep. imagine where the enlisted have to bunk

think ied's are simple crude devices? they're scarier than you might think

Ceremonies over. Heading back to Boston. Will update all the links & pics & stuff later today!

some pictures of the bp plant explosion in texas

oh i'm sorry did i sneak some boobs in here?

Can you believe cameras were allowed in the White House, but no cell phones? WTF? So I couldn't do any in-progress updates like I had hoped to, but if you were watching, the phonecam pics led right up to the security gate, and resumed when we got back out.

I did however, get about 50 pictures of the presentation ceremony. And for those of you who saw footage of the presentation ceremony on TV, I sat about fifteen feet awat from GWB at his 2 o'clock. I got about 50 pictures to post, including a few of some guy's really bad combover coming undone. Good stuff.

Also got to meet and shake hands with five - count them five - living recepients of the Medal of Honor. Will post them upon my return Wednesday evening!

Until then, we're off to the Pentagon (more no cam pics) and then to Arlington National Cemetary (should be cam friendly).

GOOOOOOD Mornin Washington DC!

Well if you're reading this, then I successfully updated the website from afar! Go me!

Those of you who've been around for awhile remember a few years ago when I mentioned that a relative of one of my subscribers, Sergeant First Class Paul Ray Smith, was killed in the line of duty in April of 2003 just outside Saddam International Airport in Iraq. You probably also remember that later that year I made a road trip down to Atlanta to meet some of his family. We've been in occasional contact since then, you know holidays and such, but truth be told probably not as often as I'd have liked. It's just that sometimes, I don't know what do say, ya know?

Today at 3pm, President Bush is presenting the Medal of Honor to SFC Paul Ray Smith's family; Paul's 11 year old son David will be accepting the award his father had to give his life to earn. Not that I'm sure anyone and everyone would trade a thousand medals to see Paul walk through the doorway again.

The last time this medal was bestowed upon anyone was almost twelve years ago and it took the lives of soldiers Randy Shugart and Gary Gordon to do it.

So you can imagine how honored I felt when Lisa, Paul's sister, asked me to attend the presentation ceremony at the White House. Yep, that's right. Today I'll be in the presence of greatness: Paul's friends and family, other members of the 3rd Infantry Division who were there that fateful day, and the man GWB himself.

Me. The White House. Wow. Keep your eyes out for swarms of locusts and the rivers turning red, since the rest of the signs of the apocolypse can't be too far off...

Sergeant First Class Paul Ray Smith
B Company, 11th Engineer Battalion, 3rd Infantry Division, United States Army

So The Pope Has Punched Out.

You know, I honestly thought he had a little longer to go. This totally blew away my Celebrity Trifecta theory, that's for damned sure. Some comediane named Mitch Hedberg died earlier in the week, but eh, I didn't know who he was so screw him, he doesn't count. I dunno, looks like the Pope start a new round? Guess we'll have to wait and see. So long John Paul, we hardly knew ye.

Moving on to another matter that will become VERY HUGE in the next few days, I can only say that if I told you where I am going to be on Monday afternoon, you'd slug me in the arm and call me a fuckin liar. So you'll just have to wait and see. I can say that I'm flying into Reagan National Airport later this afternoon and have the honor of having been invited to a ceremony that will be a once in a lifetime opportunity to honor a once in a lifetime kind of guy. I'll have my digital camera for some great pictures for everyone to see when I get back, but I'll have my phonecam with me for live updates. So keep checking back around, eh, let's say 2-3pm'ish. Trust me, it'll be worth it.

Protection in Iraq comes in all shapes and sizes. And believe me folks, our guys can use it.

Wisdom From The Wisest Of All

Uhhhh, yeah to all of you you who called for the free beer? Hey, April Fools!

Albert Einstein was recently selected "Man of the Century" by Time Magazine for his Theory of Relativity. Here is some of his down-to-earth wit and wisdom:

If most of us are ashamed of shabby clothes and shoddy furniture, let us be more ashamed of shabby ideas and shoddy philosophies.

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I'm not sure about the universe.

Sometimes one pays most for the things one gets for nothing.

We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.

A + B + C = Success if, A = Hard Work, B = Hard Play, C = Keeping your mouth shut.

The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit next to a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity.

God is subtle, but he is not malicious.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Oh and a mental note for me: I have to get EHOWA bumper stickers made up.

i am the mouselicking champion - can you beat a score of 62?

Why Hello Beer, Ol Buddy, Ol Pal!

Well, my self imposed 90 day sentence of soberiety is over! The cool news is the folks at Boston Beer took pity on my plight since I sent them my "How much beer have I drank?" post every spring. And so, in their infinite wisdom, they provided me with a cool way to treat my subscribers to celebrate my return to beerism!

And so, I am super double dog proud to announce, that we can get a free six-pack of either Samuel Adams Boston Lager or Samuel Adams Stock Ale by calling 1-800-429-3825 and answering three survey questions. They will send you a coupon to receive a free six pack redeemable at Shaws, Shop-n-Stop, Safeway, Giant, and many other supermarkets. It is a promotional thing and only takes about two minutes so just listen to BS and agree with them.

Ah beer. But fret not my friends. For I know this is my first time back in the saddle in awhile, and I'm going to do things responsibly. For only $20 how could I go wrong?

And as good news for all your Catholics, it looks like the Pope is safe for awhile. Frank Purdue just died, thus completing the Celebrity Trifecta: Johnnie Cochran, Terri Schiavo, and now Frank. So now The Man in the Funny Hat will be safe until two more celebs knock off for the evening. That Prince Rainer doesn't look so good, but without one more it's clear sailing for The Pontiff.

Man I remember way back when, computers were built in full towers that stood 3 feet tall and weighed about forty pounds.

this hot babe's sports bra barely holds her in while she warms up for aerobics!