E R N I E ' S H O U S E O F W H O O P A S S
jealous? click here to get your website on ehowa.com for as little as $5 per day
|October 27, 2005|
Just A Friendly Reminder.
To everyone I left behind back in Boston...
... that I'm still having fun and you're not.
|October 26, 2005|
Looks Like I Squeezed Through Relatively Unscathed.
Sadly, the remote control for my DVD player was destroyed by some heavy rain when someone left the door open for a few minutes. I did manage to pick up a new universal remote contyrol, and I have to admit, I'm quite impressed with it so far!
I had never heard of Dan Osman before, until someone sent me in this video of him climbing a 400 foot cliff in 4 minutes - WITHOUT any ropes. Sound like he's fucking nuts? You're correct. He's nuts. And dead, apparently.
Now I just hope I can get rid of that moldy smell in my truck.
Fed up with your home stereo? Well there's no other way to deal with it than this!
|October 25, 2005|
Lost Broadband Access Again Today.
But I did manage to upload a few movies of the storm. You can even see my neighbor's pool cage get crushed to the ground. Sorry they're so short (15 seconds each)...
|October 24, 2005|
Seven Am And All Is Well.
Wilma whoopin ass about 40 miles south of here, but so far, all is well. (Knock on wood....) I have been drinking since 8am straight. Still have power, but no cable. And boy, did Ike sure have a hard time taking his morning piss, HAHAHAHAHA!
|October 23, 2005|
So Time Draws Near.
Well, this bitch is supposed to blow into town at 8am. Will the Big E still be able to make updates and keep you informed of the storm's progress? Will I lose power and/or cable service? Will I need to be rescued by choppa? Only time will tell!
Oh, and the next time I'm doing a naked photoshoot with a new model, I'll try to remember it's usually not a good idea to ask for a blowjob on the first day. With freaky boobjob goodness. Thanks Shumpy!
i love gymnists and models. and model gymmnists.
|October 21, 2005|
C'mon, Let's Dance!
All my shit is packed in waterproof Rubbermaid tubs. I got bottled water and lots of food hoarded in waterproof containers. A brand new generator. An extra 20 gallons in four gas cans. Dog supplies sealed in waterproof containers and stuffed into Ike's cage. A brand new gun on Tuesday morning. Seven cases of beer. And a full tank of gas in my truck in case I need to make a break for it. I'm ready to fucking rock and roll man, so where's this fuckin storm I keep hearing about?
Although, I know that the longer Wilma lingers over the Mexicans the less strength the storm will have once it reaches me. So I guess, the longer this thing stretches out, the better. I just hate waiting. This must be how a death row inmate feels when he's waiting to see if his final appeal is going to go through.
The worst fuckin part is I have a jet-ski all picked out and ready to go, but I don't want to go get it up until after the storm. So let's get the fuckin show on the road already!
boobies boobies boobies boobies boobies boobies boobies boobies
|October 19, 2005|
Alright, it's all fun and games until somebody loses a house.
I pretty much had figured the hurricane season was just about over. I mean, sure, it technically runs till November 30, but when's the last time a hurricane happened this late in the season? Oh yeah, I know. This fucking year, now that I moved to Florida. The Lord hath shitteth on me.
I was hoping I'd be able to hold off on buying a home generator until next year, but it looks like that's not in the cards for me. So like a good little doobie, I made my trip to Lowes to stock up on supplies and buy a portable generator. And of course, they were out of them. So I drove down the road to Home Depot, where the only ones they had left were the little pussy 2000W units. Then as I'm wandering the aisles in misery, I saw some poor fucker who had a 5200W one sitting on his cart. And then he made a fatal mistake. He turned his back and walked to another aisle. Sucker! I snagged his cart, the generator, the 2 quarts of oil, and the three cases of drinking water he had. Survival of the fittest, baby!
You seem to like the Big Green Guy ... so I thought I'd let you know he's back up for Halloween with a webcam where you can turn the 7,000+ lights on and off;
for real this time! You can also inflate/deflate Frankenstein - that seems to be the most popular selection - no surprise there, eh?
The Hulk is topless, but I doubt a serious candidate for your best boobies contest.
|October 18, 2005|
What A Way To Start My Day!
Okay, the first entry in the Best Tits has been sent in, and I got one word for you: Hot! Hot Hot! I'm going to also work on getting prizes for each participant; hopefully your pick of t-shirts from our t-shirt sponsors, and maybe some other cool stuff. Stay tuned.
Happiness is being able to afford a $440k Porsche Carerra GT. Sadness is finding out the hard way that, no, you can't go offroading with it. Dumb ass
NEWSFLASH! A few Brisith soldiers were involved in a vehicle collision in Iraq today but fortunately, none of them were seriously injured. Thank goodness!
And please, how many times do I have to ask, please do not dispose of your dead babies on my lawn.
Someone still takes 9/11 pretty seriously. Anyone have any wild stab what this truck cost to make? I mean shit, even the interior is painted.
|October 17, 2005|
BEST TITS CONTEST STARTS TODAY.
Alright, let's see em!
The long awaited, ever anticipated, mass participated... Best Tits Contest 2005 is here!
Since it's been a while since we've done one of these, I'll give you a quick refresher course. It's pretty simple! Each year, I invite the best and brightest of my female readers to pay homage to me, by sending in pictures of their tits! I post them for everyone to see, and then we all vote on who we feel has the Best Tits On The List! The pictures are always from neck to naval, so the girls always remain anonymous.
The lucky gal who is chosen Best Tits on the List shall receive $250 to spend at Victorias Secret; and the second place runner up will receive $150 to spend! And in addition to the Best Tits winner and runner up, we're going to have a few specialized categories to keep things fun...
Best Motorsports Tits - requires the girl somehow incorporate a motorsports vehicle such as [ATV, dirt bike, motorcycle, jet ski-or snowmobile] into her photos. A little shy? A helmet is a great way to hide your face, ladies!
Best Costumed Tits - Halloween is right around the corner, what better way to celebrate than with a topless costume? Will we see witch tits? Cinderella Tits? Only time will tell. Again, great for the shy ones because a mask works perfect to hide your face!
Most Patriotic Tits - all hail the red white and blue! Dress your tits up as patriotic as possible and send those pictures on in! Entries from previous included red white and blue body paint, flag bikinis, and military uniforms!
Most Perky - remember, bigger isn't always better. Have a nice perky pair of tits that you'd just love to show off? Well, here's your chance!
The winners of each of these specilized categories will receive $75 each to spend. That's right, over $700 in boobie prizes this year! Now, here's a few rules that MUST be followed in order for you to enter my contest...
MUST be at least 18 years of age and state so with your entry.
MUST have a HOMEMADE "I Love EHOWA" or "I Love ERNIE" sign in the ORIGINAL photo. I can't stress this one enough. No photoshops. No sign = no entry.
MUST NOT include any vagina in the photos. Tits only please.
That's it! Simple, isn't it!
And now a word to the ladies. First off, this contest goes nowhere without your participation, so I want to make you all feel comfortable enough to enter. If you're nervous about, "having your tits on the internet" just remember... without your face in the photo they're not, "your tits" but just, "some tits". You MAY or MAY NOT choose to show your face, it's entirely up to you. I can blur faces, tattoos, or any other parts of the photo upon request; all you have to do is ask.
Additionally, for every entry I receive this year, I will be donating $10 to breast cancer research. Ten entries = $100. Fifty entries = $500! So c'mon ladies, whip those shirts off -- it's for a good cause!
...boobie contest archive...
2003 pictures --
2002 pictures --
2001 pictures --
|October 15, 2005|
Tomorrow Is The Day.
Okay, so a really weird thing is happening here in Southwest Florida - some of the stores are putting out Christmas decorations. Now I don't mean weird in the sense that it's still fucking October, that's nothing new. Commercialism seems to creep up on us earlier each year in this regard. But I mean weird as in, dude, it's 92 fucking degrees outside and I'm wearing shorts. This isn't Christmas weather, it's fireworks weather. I have the feeling Christmas will be a little weird without any big snowfall this year.
But regardless, you'd be amazed how much more relaxed I am now that I don't have to put up with an asshole boss anymore. Life is good people, life is good.
This pisses me off. This girl has no fashion sense at all. I mean just look at these green sneakers! Isn't something like that just horrible to see?
More reasons why I spent my military time in the Air Force. The flight engineer ain't too easy on the eyes, but the others are good to go!
how to build your very own doc octopus costume
|October 13, 2005|
It's Almost That Time.
Yes, you know what I mean. Fire up those digital cameras and get ready to lose those tops, girls. The Best Tits contest starts THIS WEEKEND!
I just got back from the Honda dealer this afternoon, and $160 later I've been able to purchase all the parts I destroyed on my roommate's jet ski. I ended up as sitting around at the dealership in waiting for the service to get done, which after a short period of, "oooh's and aaah's," became rather boring. I mean, you can only look around at all the cool new toys for so long before your tempted to buy one yourself. And we all know I'm not exactly the pillar of willpower when it comes to things that go fast. I kept telling myself that my own jet ski would be handy to have in the event we get swamped with 12 feet of water. Yep, give me enough time and I can talk myself into just about anything.
Here's a video that kind of spooked me out. As best I can tell it's an exorcism being performed in Arabic. I can pick up the word Allah a few times, but other than that, I have no idea what the hell they're saying. But I do know, there's no way I'd do this chick.
topless sports news - now THATís a sports report!
shumpy stumbled upon this gem - open directory of boobies...
|October 12, 2005|
And The List Gets Bigger.
The list of replacement parts for the jet-ski, that is. You see, here's another funny story. I was zipping along dumping some waves, and having a grand old time. Nothing huge, I mean the swells were maybe three to four feet. It was then that gravity and momentum teamed up against me... I came off over one swell and landed nose first into another one. This abruptly stopped the jet ski, but not me. My friend Mo, as in Mo-mentum, carried me over the handlebars and skipped me across the waves for a good 30 feet like a kid chucking a stone across a pond on the first day of summer camp. When I came to a halt, I was thankful for my nice soft life vest since I had to swim my way back to the jet ski, which was stopped thanks to the safety key being yanked out when I was so rudely ejected. All the while I'm swimming, all I could think of was, "I'm going to get eaten by a fucking shark." But alas, I made the swim back, and hauled my tired as
Subject Marines pay lasts respects to fallen Lance Corporal Phelps
The attached link is from Memorial Day. These Marines (Left to right Cpl Montesinos, Cpl Arias, LCpl Fisk, LCpl Saucier, Cpl Halfmann, and Sgt Cooper. All are Lima Battery Marines except Sgt Cooper; he is now on recruiting duty.) of 3d Bn, 11th Marines had a long weekend and could've gone to the beach, gone home to visit their families, or anywhere else they wanted. What they did was drive 1,000 miles from 29 Palms, California to Dubois, Wyoming to stand in the snow and pay respects to LCpl Chance Phelps and his family. I know this gave the Phelps family great comfort and pride.
Behold, the new and improved, super double dog, complete archive of the NOLA beer looter photoshop gallery.
And if any of you find a Honda key floating from a red wrist strap, it's mine, motherfucker!
|October 11, 2005|
No, You're Not Seeing Double.
The only more fun than steppin on baby ducks is makin fun of ricers! Because let's be honest, everytime you see one of those little fuckers speed past you in their little bumblebee cars, you secretly wish they'd crash.
Hulk helped those kids at the elementary school yesterday by teaching them not to get in a car with a stranger by making Thor pretend to be a stranger and Hulk pretended to be a little boy and Hulk wore short pants and a baseball cap and a pair of sneakers and skipped and sang "Hulk is a little teapot!" and then when Thor pretended to be a bad person said, "Have at thee, lad! Get into yon transport so I may take thee away from this mortal coil," Hulk used the three rules that all kids must remember when dealing with bad people and showed the kids how to keep themselves from being stolen! You want to know the three rules? Here they are!
From the And You Thought Your Job Sucked category - how'd you like to beat off pigs for a living?
two girls for you:
shower girl -
it's the whack-a-mole game, except you can upload the faces of your co-workers
|October 10, 2005|
I LOVE This Song! = I KNOW This Song!
Dude, all the chicks at this party are ugly = Dude, none of the chicks at this party will talk to me.
Man, Iím hungry = Man, if I donít eat right now I am going to be puking all over this barÖagain.
Youíre really pretty = Iím going to be ashamed of it tomorrow but tonight is all about instant gratification, honey.
Iím soooo drunk = Iím planting a seed in your head that will eventually grow into a beautiful tree which excuses me from blame for my actions tonight.
I just, like, want to help animals, ya know? = I just, like, want to get in your pants, ya know?
Youíre my best friend, man = Youíre my only friend in armís reach right now and I need someone to pay for this shot, man.
I donít want to ruin the friendship = Youíre a nice girl but youíre very heavy and Iíd rather pretend I value our friendship than spend tomorrow dreaming up ways to kill myself.
This is the BEST night of my LIFE! = This is the BEST night of my WEEKEND!
Letís take a walk, this bar is crowded = I prefer my handjobs outdoors.
Iím totally fine, dude = Iím totally going to be needing a toilet or bucket in about five minutes, dude.
Whatís up, Bro? = Whatís up, guy-whoís-name-I-canít-ever-remember?
Who wants to dance? = Who wants to watch me stumble around the party, waving my arms, spilling my drink and pile-driving my genitals into anything wearing a skirt?
Hey, did you get the notes from Bio? = Hey, Iím going to ask you about class because Iím too scared to ask you out.
I had, like, ten beers before I even came out = I'm, like, the kind of guy that lies about how much I drink.
Dude, I didnít even make it out of the dorms last night! = Dude, my girlfriend made me stay in and watch the Gilmore Girls season 1 DVD with her last night!
|October 8, 2005|
So Hurricane Katrina was a "Soldier of Allah" sent to kill a thousand Americans and wreak havoc upon the Great Satan. Uh, huh. So just out of curiosity, what does this type of thinking make of the earthquake that killed 20,000 people in predominantly Muslim countries? Hmmmmmmm? Anyone?
Oh, and speaking of which, because I knew you have lots of extra room, I called the Red Cross and gave them your address so that you could help these folks from New Orleans by letting them live with you for about a year. Here is a picture so you can recognize them when they show up tomorrow.
Well, I found out why all my stuff got fucked up by the movers.
no nudity but holy shit this is an ASS if i ever saw one
|October 6, 2005|
So They're Looking A Little Silly.
So, the Red Sox are one game away from being eliminated from the pennant race, thus making it is extremely unlikely they're going to repeat as World Series champions. And you know what, I am totally cool with that. Now I'm not saying I'm rooting against my team, but if they do happen to get bumped out, I'm just grateful we got our one World Series win. In fact, we could not win for another 86 years, and I wouldn't bat an eyelash. I saw my beloved Sox win during my lifetime, and that's good enough for me baby! Besides, now I can focus my attention on rooting against the Yankees.
One thing that sure is nice about the new house, is the extra large capacity washer sure makes doing laundry a snap!
more photographs taken in new orleans -- great pictures of emirel's restaurant
two things you'd never thought you'd see together -- crawfish and boobies
|October 5, 2005|
Misadventures in Jet Skiing!
So a funny thing this weekend that I forgot to tell you about. Some friends and I went to the beach this weekend, and I had my first chance to zip around the Gulf on a jet ski. It was pretty awesome bashing in and off the waves, yet I found it a little more difficult adjusting from the "wheels and tires" mentality to water propulsion than I thought it would be. Specifically, without any throttle there ain't no steering baby. So, as I found myself heading straight towards another jet ski at about how maybe 20 miles an hour or so, my ATV riding skills took over I let off the throttle and turned away to avoid a collision. Now again, yes I understand no throttle means no steering. Yet for some ungodly reason my brain just didn't make this connection in the heat of the moment, and sat there befuddled as despite my best efforts, I continued to raced upon this w
Go to www.google.com|
Type in "Failure", without the quotes
Instead of hitting "Search" hit "I'm feeling Lucky"
Say what you want, but it IS funny
I don't remember if you posted these pics yet, but they're hot. It's Melinda from "Real World" Austin showing all kinds of goodies. Anyone? Yes? No?
50 things I'd bet you didn't know about animals
|October 1, 2005|
Gooooood Morning Vietnam!
That's right motherfuckers, I'm back on of the air!
The last time that on a moved was about eight years ago, and even then it was in town move. I moved from Nashua, New Hampshire to sunny Chelmsford and it took all of about one day. My expectations of moving to Florida were based on this prior move. Holy jumping Jesus H. Christ, could I not have been more wrong. You want to talk about an enormous pain in the balls. It was two weeks worth of packing and making trips to the U-Haul store for one more bag of peanuts, and then one more bag of peanuts, and then just one more bag of peanuts, and then okay, maybe one more bag of peanuts. But I get all of my shit packed up nice-nice... all of my boxes are weighed, labeled and stacked up all safe and sound and ready to go. All I need now are the movers, right?
And I just like to take a minute to thank the folks at Lightning Moving based out of Miami, for making this the single worst experience of my life. Seriously, you guys could got a free lunch by asking for change.
These fucks are due to show up to my condo between 4 and 6 p.m. What time do they show up? That's right, 10 p.m. In a rented Enterprise truck. Let me remind everyone that I'm moving out of an apartment building, where I have neighbors who are sleeping. So that diesel truck idling and two ass clowns rolling hand trucks in and out of the elevator isn't exactly good neighborly conduct. What time did they finish loading my stuff? That's right, 1 a.m. Oh yes! As in, "in the morning."
Does the ass clownery stop there, you might ask? Why no, no it does not. I schedule my stuff to be delivered on the 28th of September. So on the 27th I called their main office to make sure that in fact, yes, they are going to deliver the next day. Nope! My stuff is scheduled to be delivered the morning of the 29th. Terrific. Now this is a huge inconvenience? Not really, I've been without my stuff for two weeks so one more day isn't going to kill me. But I will admit it did come as a surprise when I got a call from the moving driver at 7 p.m. on the 28th telling me, "we'll be there in two hours." Okay, so we're back on for the right day now. Let's see, 7 p.m plus two hours...so that would be what, 9 p.m.? So of course, they show up at 10 p.m.
Now just a quick site point here, have you ever played street hockey? You know, were a bunch of kids smacked around a little red ball with hockey sticks? Yeah, I think these guys did that with my stuff. Virtually every single box suffered some kind of physical torture; crushed, scraped, gouged, caved in, you name it. In fact the only boxes that weren't fucked up were the small boxes I packed inside the big boxes -- and yes, those big boxes gave their lives for the safety of the younger siblings. My nice new computer desk that I was so proud of? Punished. Absolutely punished. But they are not responsible folks, because I packed my stuff myself!
But hey, they didn't lose anything! Nice job, you fucks!
You know, I told a joke that was so funny, Jenny McCarthy pissed herself.
out of the destruction of new orleans, a new american folk hero emerges - beer looter dude!