E R N I E ' S   H O U S E   O F   W H O O P A S S

I Been Blastin Fools.

I finally got out to fire my new Glock 30 this afternoon, and I think I did pretty good for a first time handgun shooter. I tried for the Lethal Weapon smiley face, but no luck.

We're up to 26, thank you very much.

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Hello, my name is Ernesto Montoya.

Hello, my name is Ernesto Montoya. I am high on Vicodin, prepare to die.

You will not believe what a pain in the back it was to drag my fat ass off the couch to make this update. This is one of those times when you think back and remember just how important your back is when making simple everyday movements that we all take for granted. I didn't just get out of bed this morning, I stopped, dropped and rolled out of bed. Someone kill me.

I try to remember that all things considered, my back could be worse.

chicks using loos. if you don't know what a loo is, it's pretty fucking a-ok

My Back Hurts. A Lot.

I threw my back out yesterday evening. It wasn't any kind of an accident or fall, I just leaned the wrong way. Actually I think I pulled something while I was taking off my new pair of pants. And hey, quit staring at my cock, mister.

Little Known Facts About Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was "more humane".

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".

Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided into two.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes. Ever.

Fishing And Golfing?

Ever wonder what the jet blast from a 747 would do to a car? Well wonder no more. My guess is, they'll make frequent stop.

I speak now to all the fathers who are dreading taking their kids to see Harry Potter. Fret no more. There's a character in the story named Fleur Delacour and she's played by a total hottie actress named Clémence Poésy. And here she is naked in some French movie.

Okay, this has to be a satire because I don't think anyone would be stupid enough to test body armor like this. Not when it's already been done in a much safer manner.

Catch you bitches later, I gotta go use the potty.

i know, usually you don't say "japanese" and "big boobs" in the same sentence

Give Me The Chance And I'll Eat You Up.

Well, my Thanksgiving turkey was excellent. Although I didn't east as much as this guy did. Yep, just like your sister always tells me right before I cornhole her, there's nothing quite as comforting as more dick.

How do you know you've made it big? When you turn up as a question on Jeopardy! And Leeroy Jenkins has madse it big.

Just in case you were wondering, "Hey what has Dennis Rodman been up to?", you should know he sold his soul to the devil. And by "devil" I mean "The Golden Palace".

I have two suggestions for Christmas presents for me, depending upon your budget. You high rollers can send me the Bill gates Bonus Bundle X-Box 360.

how'd you like a three hour tour on the babe boat?

So What Are YOU Thankful For?

As Americans world wide prepare for Thanksgiving many will reflect on the things that we cherish most and for the majority of the year take for granted. We are thankful for our families, we are thankful for our health, for the food we receive, for the homes we live in, and for Gods blessing on America.

This will be the third time in my adult life that I have spent time in a foreign war torn land. Thank you God, that I can come home to the land that you have graced. The everyday life I have seen would bring tears to the eyes of most civilized people, put fear in their hearts, and pity in their souls. It is the simple thing that we should remember as well, drinking water from a hose if we want, eating at the dirtiest restaurant without fear of food poisoning, walking across a field without fear of a booby trap, pulling over to the side of the road with out driving over a land mine, living in a land that has more ice cream shops than prosthetic leg stores.

I for one am thankful for so many of the simple things America has to offer, toilet paper, toilet seats, more varieties of food than one could count, traffic laws, roads, street lights, police officers, fire departments, sewage systems, on and on and on.

But what we all need to be thankful for is our country itself. We have got, without a doubt the most wonderful country in the world to live in. We have the choice to start a church or open a porno store, the choice to have any job we choose, the chance to start over again, the chance to fall in love and marry whom ever we wish, we have the right to say what we want to say, where we want to say it, in any medium whatsoever. We have the right to view and worship God in the way we feel in our heart. We have the right to defend ourselves and redress grievances against our government for injustice, choose our leaders, and more recently fire our leaders.

We have clean rivers, pristine mountains, lush vegetation, parks, and undreamed of recreational facilities. Can you imagine if you could instantly transport a person from Kosovo or Afghanistan to Las Vegas or Disneyworld, they would go into shock?

Oh, there are those who would complain about the United States that prejudice is rampant, that crime prevails in epidemic proportions throughout our land. These people have never been outside of the United States, ok maybe a trip to Europe. Here, Balkans, the Mideast, there is no such thing as prejudice, it simply is called hate or blood debt, it can last a 100 generations. Here when they deny you a job there is no court you can address your complaint with. Here when they show prejudice, and in many places in the world, they just hang you, or bomb your favorite pizza shop, our burn down your house and rape your children....

The average American cannot tell the difference between a Tajik, Pashtu, or Hazzara. Chances are that less than 1 in 1000 has even heard of these ethnicities. However, in Afghanistan it can mean fear beyond a normal Americans understanding.

What makes America so great is the genius of are founding fathers. All men are created equal and endowed by their creator with certain inalienable rights, among these the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. What simple words, what a deep philosophy.

We are a nation of laws, rules, regulations, and bureaucracy, and while some may think we are losing rights, these very things provide us with security. Sure, it is a pain to travel a 75 MPH when you're the only one on the road, sure its pain to have building inspector endlessly review your permits and work, what a pain to pay taxes, ...What a blessing to know the rules, have them enforced and then, then if we really disagree with the statute, we then have system where by we can change the rules because each year we have the opportunity to go out in vote. Someday this will be a world wide right, yet, we are so blessed that only a small fraction of those who can do vote.

I love the fact that we can fail, well I hate failing but, without the option of failing who would take the risk. I would say in American business we are the greatest risk takers in the world. And guess what, we are the largest economic power in the world, heck California by itself would be the fifth largest economic power in the world if it were a separate country ...like republic of Texas!

Oh, finally a plug for the Army, a lot Americans do not feel good that their loved ones are overseas, fighting, living, and some dying so far from their families and loved ones. And I know for a fact there are a lot of soldiers that do not like it much either, I am raising my hand now...

But each solider, airman, sailor and Marine knows the importance of their job and what it means. Today, our American Army with her allies, and yes the Germans and the French are with us here, are keeping the horrors of war and terrorism away from America and Europe. By waging the good war here, so far from home, those who have designs on would wound us at home are forced to engage their energy and forces here. We have disrupted their terror cycle. Yes, they can still hurt us on the home front, we should never let down our guard, but we have and will continue to put a dent in there effort. We will wage the war in where we have to, we will win the hearts and minds, we will bring the blessings of prosperity and liberty to places that have only know war. We will build their Armies, build their roads, we will help the orphans, we will build schools, we will build land of promise not of fear, we will build bridges to peace.

God bless you, God bless America, and during this time of thanks we should all whisper a small word of gratitude to the grand Architect of the Universe who has blessed us and our land.

LTC David Francavilla
United States Army
Thanksgiving 2003

I'll Give You Two Good Reasons.

Why I took the day off to go play golf with my buddies. First, the weather was just too nice to pass up. And secondly I wanted to get away from my computer for awhile.

All you Kiwis out there - c'mon admit it. You love your big black cocks!

Pop quiz hotshit. Are you a Yankee or a Redneck? I got a 34% - I am definitely a Yankee. But NOT a Yankees fan.

this blonde chick has the best abs i've ever seen (NSFW)

Okay Short Update Today.

We're up to eighteen entries with the Best Tits and voting will start once we hit twenty!

Faces from the Front: American Marines in Iraq

Ever Get Sand In Your Asscrack?

I was driving around last night with the windows down, enjoying the beautiful 75 degree evening, and what did I stumble across? Some asshole has his Christmas lights up already. Shit man, not only is it not even Thanksgiving yet, it's not cold outside, hell there ain't no fucking snow on the ground either. Something just doesn't feel right about this.

So when did Jenny McCarthy become a photographer? Or was I drunk and missed the announcement?

Looks like GWB kind of made an ass of himself over in China this past weekend. Yep, some guys get all the luck.

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Dinner Anyone?

Wow, it's hard to grasp that Thanksgiving is just next week, holy shit. Time flies when you're having fun, eh?

Man, nothing pisses me off more than spoiled panties. Well, okay, maybe one thing but it's not pretty - spoiled tits. Don't say I didn't warn you.

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Mr Miyagi Says: Up! Do1n! Up! Down!

Aw man, can't we all just get along? No, instead I always have to look like the ass.

All I know is suddenly I feel myself being drawn towards the St Louis Rams for some reason.

Well Look At What I See.

First I have a couple things for the ladies of EHOWA. Typically, chicks aren't really into military hardware, so it's tough to explain the differences betwee say, the American and the Iraqi navies. So, I figured this would be a great way to show you rather than tell you. First, some Iraqi sailors. And now in contrast, some American sailors. I'm sure you can see the difference now? And secondly, here's the cutest little mouse I've ever seen!

I tried to post that particular video yesterday, but was having some technical diffidulties.

And for you guys, I have found the perfect woman. She may not be Mrs Right but she's close.

Ebay. What kind of a stupid motherfucker would bid on an empty Ipod Nano box? Well there are 33 of them apparently and one has $150 to blow. I'm so stunned, I can barely express myself.

can't. stop. myself. from. staring. at. the. girl. in. red. (NSFW!)

Well Look At What I See.

Sure, fly American carriers I say. But what the hell do I know.

Paging number fourteen, paging number fourteen. Please report to the boobie contest.

Now cops here in the US should be able do this kind of stuff Blast his ass with a shotgun, and then throw him out of the car while it's still fucking moving. ALCU be damned.

I love your website. It gives me a great relief during the day. I wanted to let you know of a friend of mine who was just killed in Iraq. Captain Ray Mendoza was killed in action over the weekend. If you get the chance to mention him on your site it would be great. He was a wrestler at the Ohio State univesity and will be dearly missed. George P. former marine 1st batn 9th marines

Wax on, wax off. Wax on, wax off. Air conditioning off. Air conditioning on.

Lots Of Stuff Loaded Up Here Today.

So I wonder, exactly what kind of a person lines in a town called ManAss and more importantly, what's he getting FedEx'ed to him? Pretty creepy, eh?

This is precisely why I fly (a) only with American carriers and (b) only on American built planes. Airbus can kiss my balls.

Beats all ya never saw, been in trouble with the law since the day they was born. Yeee haw!

I don't know what's scarier, this or this.

Anyone want to spot me $9,500 so I can pick up some new wheels? Please?

boobies behind curtains behind boobies behind curtains behind boobies

Birthdays Be Fun.

Ah, I remember my 21st birthday. Or rather, I don't actually and neither will this girl. C'mon don't pass judgement, we've all done it. Let he who has not sinned cast the first stone. All I can tell you is that she's in for one hard morning. I hope she took asprin.

My goal for today is to eat this entire bag of oranges. Keep an eye on the phonecam to watch my progress.

Best Tits contestant lucky number 13 has joined the list, and I still have two more to post.

hummer girls - like nothing else on earth

I Bet You Feel Stupid Now.

Two South Korean men with too much time and money on their hands, decided to wager $1,000,000 won (about $950 dollars) that one could drive his Jeep across an irrigation reservoir in the middle of winter with ice approximately 15cm thick. The reservoir is 100km east of Seoul. Wonder if he made it?

Uh oh, this bird flu thing is getting serious. I guess the first case has already hit the USA and just my fucking luck, it happened down here.

Well, That Was Kinda Fun.

I've never been what any would consider a fisherman; but none the less I tried my hand at in-shore fishing yesterday. And as the old saying goes, I'd rather be lucky than good. Here's me holding our biggest catch of the day, my 29.5" Redfish, which was actually too big to keep per state law. Which was no big deal because I would have let it go anyway. Thanks for an awesome time, Captain Bob!

Because my friends, beauty fades and implants are forever.

Mental note: never go see an all female German rock band. Spectators in rows 1-3 may get wet.

At least gas prices are finally coming down. People had to make some pretty big sacrifices in their lives to make up for increased cost of commuting to and from work and alot of aspects were seriously impacted; basic necessities like food, clothing, and shelter all suffered.

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Happy Veterans Day

BY THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
A PROCLAMATION

Whereas it has long been our customs to commemorate November 11, the anniversary of the ending of World War I, by paying tribute to the heroes of that tragic struggle and by rededicating ourselves to the cause of peace; and;

Whereas in the intervening years the United States has been involved in two other great military conflicts, which have added millions of veterans living and dead to the honor rolls of this Nation; and;

Whereas the Congress passed a concurrent resolution on June 4, 1926 (44 Stat. 1982), calling for the observance of November 11 with appropriate ceremonies, and later provided in an act approved May 13, 1938 (52 Stat. 351) , that the eleventh of November should be a legal holiday and should be known as Armistice Day; and;

Whereas, in order to expand the significance of that commemoration and in order that a grateful Nation might pay appropriate homage to the veterans of all its wars who have contributed so much to the preservation of this Nation, the Congress, by an act approved June 1, 1954 (68 Stat. 168), changed the name of the holiday to Veterans Day;

Now, Therefore, I, Dwight D. Eisenhower, President of the United States of America, do hereby call upon all of our citizens to observe Thursday, November 11, 1954, as Veterans Day. On that day let us solemnly remember the sacrifices of all those who fought so valiantly, on the seas, in the air, and on foreign shores, to preserve our heritage of freedom, and let us reconsecrate ourselves to the task of promoting an enduring peace so that their efforts shall not have been in vain.

I also direct the appropriate officials of the Government to arrange for the display of the flag of the United States on all public buildings on Veterans Day.

In order to insure proper and widespread observance of this anniversary, all veterans, all veterans' organizations, and the entire citizenry will wish to wish to join hands in the common purpose.

Toward this end, I am designating the Administrator of Veterans' Affairs as Chairman of a Veterans Day National Committee, which shall include such other persons as the Chairman may select, and which will coordinate at the national level necessary planning for the observance. I am also requesting the heads of all departments and agencies of the Executive branch of the Government to assist the National Committee in every way possible.

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand and cause the seal of the United States of America to be affixed.

Done at the City of Washington this eighth day of October in the Year of our Lord nineteen hundred and fifty-four, and of the Independence of the (SEAL) United States of America the one hundred and seventy-ninth.

DWIGHT D. EISENHOWER
By the President:

my thanks to all veterans both past and present.

i'm going fishing today - keep your eye on the phonecam!

And These People Want Nuclear Weapons?

Because look at what they do to little boys who steal bread.

Oh, and happy birtyhday to the United States Fuckin Marines!

squeaky, squeaky clean! it's peaches in the bathtub!

pink pink pink pink pink pink pink pink pink pink pink pink

Now Is Your Time To Shine!

Here are more photos of the Czech restaurant where the super hot waitress goes naked. Yeah I know, before I said it was a Danish restaurant, well I was wrong.

Anyway, I've got a few tasty tidbits that just got sent in within the last few days. I guess enough people had sent in pictures to make me feel good, so now we have the other side of the spectrum. Here they be...

Wow. In his hand he's holding two of my mortgages. Paid off. In full. I got one word for you baby; AWOL!

And here I thought Alabama & Georgia were the bastions of buck teeth, silly me!

Don, I think I speak for the rest of us out here when I say, YOU SUCK!

Why That's One Juicy...

Is it me, or is Mel Gibson starting to look like Saddam Hussein?

Oh, and I forgot to tell you about this great halloween costume I saw at our party. Pretty eye catching, isn't it?

Ummmmm, yeah. I'm a huge fan of the movie Office Space and I used to think I knew the movie inside and out. That is until I only got a 72% on the quiz. Oh yeah, see how you do, tough guy.

Here's a really cute brunette chick with nice guns. Well, one nice gun, anyway. Sorry if I left you with blue balls after that one.

And remember, my birthday falls on Fire Day, so stop in and see us again sometime, will ya?

so you're a big fan of the series 'lost'? check out the lost rhapsody, starring the entire cast

man, you germans post some pretty sick shit

Stop it, I'm Blushing!

Really, you guys flatter me too much sometimes. And you girls, too!

Behold, entry number 10 and still a few more to post!

holy goodness, great balls of fire. gianna busts out of her fishnet bra!

Amazing What $100 Can Get You.

In my case, it enabled me to flag down the guy in the Time Warner truck that was zipping through the neighborhood, and get him to make an "emergency repair order," and so now I have cable again! Woo hoo! Go broadband! November 14th my ass. It's all about the 'Benjamins.

And remember, when Ronald McDonald says no parking in the handicapped spaces, Ronald fucking means no parking in the handicapped spaces!

shit, did i post these boobies already? i can't remember...

I Dedicate This Post To My Neighbor....

...without whose unknowing generosity, this update could not happen. You see, my cable is STILL dead (Go Time Warner! Not!) but my neighbor's is not. And thanks to a $29 USB wireless network adapter I am back up and business off some leeched bandwidth! The only thing that really pisses me off is with the cable tv down so long, I'm going to be missing House. Man I'd five my left nut to get this thing back up and running. But hey, on the bright side, at least Paris is being destroyed.

Sometimes nature is cruel but there is also a beauty in that cruelty. The crocodile, one of the ultimate predators, can fall victim to the kind of 'team work' strategy which is possible due to the pack mentality and social structure of canines. See the attached and remarkable photograph - but not if you're squeamish!

Okay, something just striked me as wrong about this student-teacher relationship. Ah, but it brings me back to my first day of school. Ahhh the memories.

Well, I'm off to go pick up a couple things at the mall, catch you folks later.

you decide - is it a skirt or is it a belt?

what the fuck.

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To A Theatre Near You.

I'm slowly catching up on my Best Tits entries!

I want to meet the girl who made this sign I mean I bet she's a blast to party with, eh?

One Chapter Comes To A Close.

I officially surrendered my Massachusetts drivers license today, thus henceforth making me a genuine Floridian

What's the difference between a 12 year old and a pizza box? I don't have a pizza box folded up in my trash compactor. HAHAHAHAHAH! Oh, I know, that was pretty trashy, sorry.

Thanks Jason! C'mon now, you people will do just about anything to get on my good side, eh?

Remember this video of a soldier gal in Iraq filming herself for her hubby back home?

Oh, and just so you get all mushy at the end of the day, check out Finnegin the Squirrel.

Yeah, That's How I Felt Yesterday.

When the server was totally fucked all day. Well, truth be told, it wasn't the server itself so much as the older (and overworked) network it was sitting on. An upgrade had been planned by my hosting company, but it seemed Murphy's Law wanted to push their schedule up just a touch. So for the past few days, things have been spooky. I've tried to recreate the past two updates as best I can remember, and have about 4-5 more Best Tits entries to post as well. Stay tuned!

Here's a photo of the Alito family in the White House standing in front of President Clinton's portrait. Check out where Bubba's hand is.

if it comes down to Trick or Treat versus this bitch, I'd take treat. Because it looks like she already tricked somebody else.

Perhaps the best Halloween panhandler ever.