E R N I E ' S   H O U S E   O F   W H O O P A S S

I'm Sneezing Just By Typing This.

If I had a nickel for every time I posted how I really don't like people but love animals I'd have about eh well maybe $0.35 or so. So let today's post bring us up to an even $0.40 as I received the following story yesterday.

And keep in mind I hate cats -- they make me sneeze and my eyes itch but even I can't help feeling bad for this poor little bastard.

Sigh. So long little Gary we hardly knew ye. Live on forever in our hearts and the EHOWA archives.

cute honey peeing - cops with a sense of humor - rednecks go north for the winter

ever wonder how much time you spend on the can? well wonder no further!

kill bill 1 & 2 in 120 seconds. total body count - 105 people. w00t.

Are you listenin' to me son? I'm givin' ya pearls here.

Most people who've been in the military don't have many positive things to say about their recruiter. They pretty much lie cheat and steal to get you to sign on the dotted line; and mine was no exception. That's not to say they're liars cheaters and thiefs... they have a very difficult job to do especially now while our nation is at war. But I certainly wouldn't trust them to date my kid sister either. Anyway my recruiter was driving me to the Buffalo NY MEPS station for a final interview before being shipped out when he gave me a bit of advice I will never forget. Now keep in mind this isn't your normal guy in a suit asking you "Where do you see yourself in five years?" kind of interview. This is a Marine the size of a dump truck pulling you into a room shining a light in you

So just before we walk into the building my recruiter grabs my arm spins me around and says "If they ask you what time it is don't tell them how to build a clock."

That my friends is a lifetime's worth of wisdom all rolled into one small sentence. It has served me well many times and I hope it it will do the same for you. Thank you for that TSgt Berardi.

goddamn canadian truckers

Happy Memorial Day.

A Memorial Day Poem by Michelle Keim 1999

As we stand here looking
At the flags upon these graves
Know these flags represent
A few of the true American brave.

They fought for their Country
As man has through all of time
Except that these soldiers lying here
Fought for your country and mine.

As we all are gathered here
To pay them our respect
Let's pass this word to others
It's what they would expect.

I'm sure that they would do it
If it were me or you
To show we did not die in vain
But for the red white and blue.

Let's pass on to our children
And to those who never knew
What these soldiers died for
It's the least we can do

Let's not forget their families
Great pain they had to bear
Losing a son father or husband
They need to know we still care.

No matter which war was fought
On the day that they died
I stand here looking at these flags
Filled with American pride.

So as the bugler plays out Taps
With its sweet and eerie sound
Pray for these soldiers lying here
In this sacred hallowed ground.

Take home with you a sense of pride
You were here Memorial Day.
Celebrating the way Americans should
On this solemnest of days.

angry! -- angrier! -- angriest! -- vent!

SFC Paul Ray Smith USA -- PFC Chance Phillips USMC

world war i -- world war ii -- korean war -- vietnam war

it's Always Good To Have A Backup Plan.

When man first landed on the moon 30 years ago President Nixon had a speech all ready in case man could not get off again. A contingency statement was prepared for Nixon an eerie poignant tribute that he would deliver while the astronauts were still alive but when there was no longer any hope for them. The memo entitled "In Event of Moon Disaster" is dated July 18 1969 two days before the moon landing. Nixon never had to act on it. Neil Armstrong and Edwin Aldrin made it safely off the moon back into the command module with Michael Collins and home. According to the memo in the event of disaster Nixon was advised to call each of the "widows-to-be" before reading the statement to the nation. Then NASA would cut off communication with the stranded astronauts and a clergyman would "adopt the same procedure as a burial at sea commending their souls to 'the deepest of the deep' concluding with the Lord's Prayer." It has long been rumored that astronauts landing on the moon carried

"Fate has ordained that the men who went to the moon to explore in peace will stay on the moon to rest in peace. These brave men Neil Armstrong and Edwin Aldrin know that there is no hope for their recovery. But they also know that there is hope for mankind in their sacrifice. These two men are laying down their lives in mankind's most noble goal: the search for truth and understanding. They will be mourned by their families and friends; they will be mourned by their nation; they will be mourned by the people of the world; they will be mourned by a Mother Earth that dared send two of her sons into the unknown. In their exploration they stirred the people of the world to feel as one; in their sacrifice they bind more tightly the brotherhood of man. In ancient days men looked at stars and saw their heroes in the constellations. In modern times we do much the same but our heroes are epic men of flesh and blood. Others will follow and surely find their way home. Man's search will not

Thankfully he never had to make this speech to the nation.

more good news -- more bad news

Just Chillin I Guess.

Today is national good looking person day. Send this to someone gorgeous. Don't send it back to me I've received fucking hundreds.

Roses are red Violets are blue I'm using my hand But I'm thinking of you.

My immigration strategy? Simple. Dig an enormous ditch between the US and Mexico. Use that dirt to raise up New Orleans for better hurricane protection. Then take all the alligators from Florida and stick em in the moat to act as border guards. And who's going to oversee this enormous task? Well Chuck Norris duh. Presto problem solved.

Is it me or is it cold in here?

The male deer is called a buck. Bucks are easy to identify in the summer and fall because they grow a set of antlers (also called a rack) each year. The rack is made of bone and has points called tines. Many tines on a buck’s rack tell us that the deer is healthy and lives in a good habitat. A buck's antlers reach full growth in the fall. You may see a buck rubbing his antlers on a tree in early fall to both mark his territory and get rid of the soft velvet that protected his new antlers. As the buck rubs off the velvet the antlers will become ivory-colored at the tips. But the dumb ones get their antlers stuck in the tree become hopelessly trapped and well starve to death. Nobody ever said nature was smart.

is it just me or is this a really really bad idea for a logo?

collection of ussr anti-tmerican propaganda posters. translated into english duh.

Boy Did I Wake Up With A Headache.

And no before you ask I'm not hungover.

Come my friend come take a tour of a Ferrari factory with me. Just don't touch anything - you break it you bought it.

hey here's a shocker - french people pissing their pants

michelle malkin unmasking anti-war fraud. plus she\'s kind of hot.

That's A Hell Of A Deal On Fat Chicks.

Well after two weeks of eating and drinking like there's no tomorrow I've started another round of diet and exercise. Yeh all that living the good life was just catching up to me ya know?

cool tattoo -- not so cool tattoo

anyone in the uk looking to speed - here's your clue

massive gallery of myspace whores

Man I Just Can't Wake The Fuck Up.

One nice thing about traveling westbound is when you get there you get some extra sleep. No I don't mean on the flight out - fucking US Air's seats are about as comfortable as an Inquisition chair. You see normally I'm out of bed around 7:30am - no alarm clock no wakey-wakey-eggs-and-bacey just poof! I'm awake.

In Vegas/AZ I was "sleeping in" until 9:30 and not feeling guilty about it. To me it just felt like the regular time to get up. After a few days seeing a "9" on the clock when I got up from my father's couch just seemed perfectly acceptable.

The flip side of that coin is now that I'm accustomed to the time change from going that way I'm fighting to drag my ass out of bed at my regular 7:30 now that I'm back on the east coast. Not that I've got this monumental To-Do list or anything it's just frustrating.

Hey I heard they opened the first McDonalds in Africa.

oopsie daisy!

rainier oregon nuclear tower implosion! [2]

The Prodigal Son Has Returned.

Okay so I'm fucking back from a quick vacation to Las vegas & Arizona.

Las Vegas is a pretty cool town although I did get mugged by this guy twenty minutes after getting there. Luckily I was able to outrun him. I did win a little money though - enough to pay for my airline ticket & hotel bill - so all was not lost. And you must have balls of steel to ride the X-Scream on top of the Stratosphere. Steel I tell you. Plus it was a little surreal seeing all the wedding chapels around. No I did not get married by Elvis in case that's what you were wondering.

Did get a nice rental car though - I was big pimpin in a 300M all the way to Arizona. Yeah that place is fucking hot. I mean like desert hot because well I was in the middle of the fucking desert. Yep dear ol dad retired to Fort Mojave which is pretty much in the middle of fucking nowhere. They have: some houses a grocery store a post office a strip club and two casinos. Surely you can see why he chose this place to spend his golden years.

The only unpleasant thing was it hit 110 degrees every fucking day. And for those of you who say "oh but it's a dry heat" - you don't know your asshole from your elbow. Sure it's a dry heat... right up until you start sweating your motherfucking balls off. Then it becomes a humid heat just like everywhere else. Fuck you that place was fucking hot.

If you love airplanes and I mean reallllllly love airplanes then you can watch this video. Otherwise I suggest you skip it.

stile project dot com

if anyone needs help in the tit department this chick does

A Trip In Pictures.

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Day Five of Vacation - Gimme An E!

Day Four of Vacation - Gimme An H!

Day Three of Vacation - Gimme An O!

Day Two of Vacation - Gimme An W!

Day One of Vacation - Gimme An A!

Alert! Woop! Woop! Woop! You have Entered a Vacation Zone!

Lord I Was Born A Ramblin Man.

Well today is my last full text update before I start le'olde vacation. But don't worry much like the ghost of Christmas past I'll be reaching out to deliver from beyond the grave. I've been a selfish bastard for the past few weeks and have been hoarding material for this very occasion. Thus from Sunday to Friday one week from today I'll have some shit posted in a very clever fashion. See I told you I'm always taking care of my peeps! I know there's a lot of chicks out there who depend on me

Ah wireless broadband how did we ever get along without you to protect us?

i love julia stiles. julia stiles loves the mets. ergo i love the mets too!

kitten in the name of! kitten in the name of!

i'm dating a cripple and it feels so right!

I Got Something You Can Buy Little Girl.

Funny. Dateline was reeling in pedophiles in Ft Myers last night which is just across the bridge from me. The Ft Myers Policia would be online posing as underage girls & boys trying to lure these whack jobs into a face to face meet. Only when they got there instead of some little twelve year old they met Johnny Law and his cameraman. Some of em even tried to run but nobody escaped. Good clean humor.

Hey have you ever been at a party where somehow you just didn't fit in? Yeah me too.

sherlock holmes vs dr gregory house - an in depth comparison

Going on Vacation Next Week.

To go visit the family. Maybe we'll take a trip to the farm maybe do some yardwork around my father's new place or perhaps catch a bunch of retards in a mosh pit?

You know me I'm just your average white homeboy tryin to get props from my peeps. Yo.

awww happy 20th birthday alison!

Aw That's So Thoughtful.

Seriously everyone can relax. We're in good hands. Rest Easy. Yep that's because Dick Pound is on the job.

Yep this girl may not be perfect but she's perfect enough for me.

No Not THAT Prince...

Once upon a time there was a prince who through no fault of his own was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the Prince could speak only one word each year. However he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year then the following year he was allowed to speak two words. One day he met a beautiful princess -- she had ruby lips golden hair and sapphire eyes -- and fell madly in love with her. With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say "My darling". But at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved her. Because of this he waited three more years without speaking (bringing the total number of silent years to 5). But at the end of these five years he realised that he had to ask her to marry him. So he waited

boobies! boobies! boobies! boobies! boobies! boobies! boobies! boobies!

Because I'm Mr. Sensitive.

An attractive but portly woman was sitting just down the bar from me when one of the regular lounge lizard types walked up and asked her if it was okay he could buy her a drink. She tactfully declined but the guy sneared "You gotta fat ass anyway" before stalking back to his table. Me being the sensitive type and sitting a few stools away approached her and said "Gee that guy was such a jerk." "Excuse me but do I know you?" the woman sneered "I can take care of myself just fine." "Okay no problem. I just thought you might need a little help" I mumbled "what with that fat ass of yours and all..."

I could have been the best four seconds of that bitch's life!

if you've got a myspace account and you die - you go here

someone who played 'world of warcraft' died in real life - bad juju [read the story]

Well At least That's Done.

This morning I finally bit the bullet and did something I've been putting off for about a month. I went to see the damned doctor. You see about eh five maybe six weeks ago I was climbing out of the shower and as I stood up from drying off my feet something in my left hip kind of clicked. I didn't think much of it until it happened again. And again. Now it's kind of a common occurrence. I sit down and I feel something kind of slide out of place. I stand up and feel it pop back into place. Not painful more annoying than anything else. But if I sit for an extended period of time a dull ache developes as whetever is out of place is telling me it wants to go back home. Since I'm a tough guy I treated this as I do with any pain or discomfort - ignore it and hope it goes away on its own. But as I crossed the one month mark it became evident that without some sort of intervention this snapping thing wasn't going anywhere soon.

So after a handful of phone calls earlier in the week I had an appointment scheduled for just before 9 o'clock am just over the bridge into Ft Myers. Of course I missed the turn and was forced to continue on to the next light to bang a u-turn. I get there and as with every trip to a new doctor spend the first fifteen minutes filling out the "Do you have any history of...yes/no" questionaire. (Mom died of cancer dad had high cholesterol and I'm allergic to novacaine for any of you keeping score). As it was pretty early in the morning there really weren't that many patients waiting so I was called back for x-rays shortly after I completed my paperwork. Click. Click. Snap a few pictures and the x-rays done now I see the doc. First thing he says is x-rays are normal which is good. I ass'plain my symptoms to him and tell him how long it's been going on...

So he has me lay on my back and has me move my leg around in various positions while he keeps one hand on my hip trying to feel for the snapping sensation I'm getting. No UFIA to speak of sorry guys. Anyway after a few twists and bends he finds what he's looking for and has me sit up.

Anyway I'm supposed to take an assload of ibruprofren to keep the swelling down avoid any activities that are expecially hard on my left leg and start some excercises to lengthen the tendon and make it more flexible. So of course I haul ass home because I want to call bullshit him making up names and well what do you know? Man modern medicine is such a crock of shit.

So this afternoon when I grabbed lunch at Bikini Joes and wanted another beer I kindly explained to the bartender that I was suffering from "Empty Glass Syndrome".

you've all seen it - now you can play it. office space!

Well If I Must...

In case you're bored today... how to make a Taser from everyday household items such as a disposable camera. Fun fun!

Uh oh looks like this dog has joined the Dark Side!

how to make a solar power generator for less than $300

think you're ready for international travel? take this test and see if you'll piss off the locals

Not So Happy Anymore.

The setting is Disneyland "The Happiest Place on Earth" where I had joined a couple of friends for a day of fun and adventure. After paying something approaching $48 each to get in we wanted to conserve what little was left of our cash for important things like rubber lizards and the air hockey tables so when it came time to eat we opted for a quick-n-cheap lunch rather than fine dining in one of their numerous restaurants. Lunch consisted of one of those burritos in a plastic bag and a can of Coke. I could go into great detail here but why bother. You know precisely what I'm getting at here: intestinal gas. Funny thing is lunch didn't seem to give me any problem. I don't think I farted once the whole afternoon. More junk food was consumed. Many violent games of air hockey were played. Little did I know what my bowels had in store.

So late in the afternoon we step in line for the Jungle Cruise ride (you'll also find rubber lizards for sale in this area). The lines at Disneyland are densely packed in a serpentine configuration such that it's pretty much impossible to bail out from the middle. As I shuffle around a bend deep into the line I notice there's a little girl right behind me who it would seem has been genetically engineered to be just the height that would place her nose precisely in line for problems. "Wouldn't it be funny" I think to myself "if I had to fart right now?" We continue shuffling through the densely-packed line and just as we come to the exact center of the line with the small innocent child mere inches away and at least 20 feet of human bodies in all directions and nowhere to run I

You know the expression "silent but deadly"? You couldn't have heard this one with a stethoscope but Landsat 4 probably picked it up in the thermal band. It was simply unholy. A fart that could melt diamond. The oil fires of Kuwait couldn't hold a candle to this thing. Chernobyl? Child's play! Weather patters were disrupted. LAX was "fogged in." The world knew a new evil on this day. A voluminous hot humid painfully burning fart that makes the greenhose effect look like a pleasant alternative. It probably knocked down a couple local trailer parks just for good measure. I farted only once on this day but it was more than most people will manage in a lifetime.

The line started moving. I did not look back for fear that I might see a live action replay of the scene in "Raiders of the Lost Ark" where people were melting and shriveling up (or would it be more like the ash bodies in Terminator 2?). We go around one of the bends in the line headed back toward The Mushroom Cloud. My friends both choke look back at me and give the best glare they can manage with their eyes watering like that. I've just got this big grin on my face. They do not need to ask where "It" came from (brave souls these folks - they still joined me on the submarine ride later). Rounding the corner myself I get a glimpse of what's left of the small child behind me. Her face is scrunched in pain her hands violently waving the air in front of her. I don't think she needs to ask either. Except for the complete depilata

That evening we ate dinner in a restaurant. And thanks for the cake Wade!

how to turn your room sideways. must be a hoot at parties

On This Day In History.

May 2 1863 - At the Battle of Chancellorsville Confederate general Thomas J. "Stonewall" Jackson is accidentally shot three times by his own men. Jackson's left arm is amputated and he dies eight days later from complications.

May 2 1946 - Six prisoners attempt to escape the federal prison on Alcatraz island. They take over their cellblock but fail to gain access to the outside. One guard held hostage is executed by prisoners and another dies in the attempt to retake the cellblock. The Battle of Alcatraz ends only after the deaths of three prisoners and two others are subsequently executed at San Quentin.

May 2 1957 - Senator Joseph McCarthy dies of hepatitis brought about by unabated alcoholism. Two and a half years prior he had been censured by the Senate for his "inexcusable" and "reprehensible" conduct during his highly-publicized Communist witch-hunt. McCarthy eventually discovered that it was far more effective to have private industry oppress its workforce rather than the government oppress its citizenry.

May 2 1957 - Mob figure Frank Costello is shot in the head by Vincent "the Chin" Gigante. Instead of killing him the bullet circumnavigates between his skin and cranium exiting through the original wound. Costello retires from the Mafia soon after.

May 2 1972 - World famous drag queen and longtime G-man J. Edgar Hoover dies in his sleep at the age of 77.

May 2 1972 - On two opposite sides of the continental United States two legends are born. Dwayne Douglas Johnson was born in Hayward California to Rocky Johnson and Ata Johnson. He grows up to be the People's Champion deliver The People's Elbow and star in the movie DOOM. Ernie Stewart Jr is born in Rochester New York to Faye and Ernie Sr. He grows up to be the People's Webmaster a chronic masturbating alcoholic and has been known to waste away hours playing DOOM. The former is also a gazillion times richer than the latter.

May 2 1997 - At 4:45 a.m. L.A. County Sheriff's deputies pull over a car in West Hollywood driven by comedian/actor Eddie Murphy. In the passenger seat is one Atisone Seiuli a 20-year-old pre-op transsexual prostitute. Murphy informs the officers that he was just trying to be a "good samaritan" and give his she-male acquaintance a ride home. Seiuli is taken into custody for an outstanding prostitution warrant but the officers allow Murphy to leave without any further ado.

culled from: the daily rotten - the internet movie database

How To Build An Atomic Bomb.

1.INTRODUCTION - Worldwide controversy has been generated recently from several court decisions in the United States which have restricted popular magazines from printing articles which describe how to make an atomic bomb. The reason usually given by the courts is that national security would be compromised if such information were generally available. But since it is commonly known that all of the information is publicly available in most major metropolitan libraries obviously the court's officially stated position is covering up a more important factor; namely that such atomic devices would prove too difficult for the average citizen to construct. The project will cost between $5000 and $30000 depending on how fancy you want the final product to be. Since last week's column "Let's Make a Time Machine" was received so well in the

2.CONSTRUCTION METHOD - 1.First obtain about 50 pounds (110 kg) of weapons grade Plutonium at your local supplier. A nuclear power plant is not recommended as large quantities of missing Plutonium tends to make plant engineers unhappy. We suggest that you contact the Eagle Scouts in your neighborhood.

2.Please remember that Plutonium especially pure refined Plutonium is somewhat dangerous. Wash your hands with soap and warm water after handling the material and don't allow your children or pets to play in it or eat it. Any left over Plutonium dust is excellent as an insect repellant. You may wish to keep the substance in a lead box if you can find one in your local junk yard but an old coffee can will do nicely.

3.Fashion together a metal enclosure to house the device. Most common varieties of sheet metal can be bent to disguise this enclosure as for example a briefcase a lunch pail or a Buick. Do not use tinfoil.

4.Arrange the Plutonium into two hemispheral shapes separated by about 4 cm. Use rubber cement to hold the Plutonium dust together.

5.Now get about 100 pounds (220 kg) of trinitrotoluene (TNT). Gelignite is much better but messier to work with. Your helpful hardware man will be happy to provide you with this item.

6.Pack the TNT around the hemisphere arrangement constructed in step 4. If you cannot find Gelignite fell free to use TNT packed in with Playdough or any modeling clay. Colored clay is acceptable but there is no need to get fancy at this point.

7.Enclose the structure from step 6 into the enclosure made in step 3. Use a strong glue such as "Crazy Glue" to bind the hemisphere arrangement against the enclosure to prevent accidental detonation which might result from vibration or mishandling.

8.To detonate the device obtain a radio controlled (RC) servo mechanism as found in RC model airplanes and cars. With a modicum of effort a remote plunger can be made that will strike a detonator cap to effect a small explosion. These detonatior caps can be found in the electrical supply section of your local supermarket. We recommend the "Blast-O-Mactic" brand because they are no-deposit-no-return.

9.Now hide the completed device from the prying eyes of neighbors and children. The garage is not recommended because of high humidity and the extreme range of temperatures experienced there. Nuclear devices have been known to spontaneously detonate in these unstable conditions. The hall closet or under the kitchen sink will be perfectly suitable.

10.Now you are the proud owner of a working thermonuclear device! It is a great ice-breaker at parties and in a pinch can be used for national defense!

dean vernon wormer: fat high and stupid is no way to go through life son.