E R N I E ' S H O U S E O F W H O O P A S S
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|May 28, 2004|
Memorial Day Weekend
Thank you to all those soldiers that have proudly worn the uniform of this great country. From Bunker Hill to Baghdad your courage has shined freedom's light onto places where only the darkness of tyranny once ruled. Through the years you have been asked to make many sacrifices. When your country asked for your help you were there. With valor and honor you went into harms way and some of you never came home.
Your sacrifices have not been in vain. Over two hundred years ago, you brought freedom to a fledgling country. Through your blood, sweat and tears America was born. You gave the citizens this country the rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. However, you did more than bring freedom to the citizens of the original thirteen colonies. Your efforts planted the roots of democracy for the rest of the world to see. When other countries have been in peril you came to the rescue, and freedom took hold all over the world.
Many of us are too young to remember or too self absorbed to care, but our weaknesses have never been yours. You have always been there to answer the challenge. You have always been there to defiantly stand against any evil, any foe that would try to remove the freedoms which you secured.
SFC Paul Ray Smith, USA --
PFC Chance Phillips, USMC
world war i --
world war ii --
korean war --
Anyway, this holiday weekend I'm meeting up with a friend of mine who recently moved from Jersey to sunny Florida. Which given this is my third straight fucking week of clouds, rain, and various other fun forms of shitty weather, I can't say that I blame him.
So peace out, muthafuckas. And remember: two in the turban.
Things to keep you busy
when good stars go homeless --
keep your bitches in sight --
fat bitch needs a ride
|May 25, 2004|
One Again All Is Right With The World
We had a move recently at work, and I was among the two rows of cubicles that had to move from out home on the second floor, to some temporary cubes on the first floor. Now I was comfortable in my former abode, especially since there was a nice crapper right nearby. It was just how I like it, nice roomy crip-stall, door swinging outward, toilet paper dispenser on the right when you're facing the bowl, so I could quickly lay down a protective paper coating on the seat when it was time for me to have a nice relaxing smash.
Well, in my new home on the first floor, the nearest bathroom is all fucked up. It's completely unacceptable. The door swings inward for starters, so it cramps my style. But most disappointing you see, is the toilet paper dispeser is on the wrong side. So now when I run into the bathroom, sphincter puckering from lunch, and I go to lay down my ass-shield I have to fumble around like a moron. I end up spinning the roll all the wrong way which just wastes prescious time. This almost caused problems yesterday, as my sphincter nearly reached explosive decompression shortly after a steakbomb lunch. That would have been bad.
So I spent a few minutes this morning scouting out the bathrooms here on the first floor, trying to find a suitable place for me to defacate my afternoons away. And I'm happy to say I was able to find a mirror copy of my prized second floor shitter.
So once again, all is right with the world. You may all go about your business, as I have found a good place to go about mine.
Little Johnny: I bet I can fit my head in there.
Little Billy: Bet ya can't.
Little Johnny:Okay, you're on.
Oh, and I'm working on getting all the scavenger hunt pics archives for viewing.
|May 23, 2004|
So What Else Is New?
So a terminal in the De Gaulle international airport collapsed today, apparently unable to bear the heavy burden of a few departing passengers. Which of course is just the latest in a long line of French things collapsing to international pressure. My bet? German passengers.
|May 19, 2004|
No More Clownin Around!
So it's been a pretty crazy week here, for the Ernster. I've been able to take care of a lot of loose ends recently, which I suppose has given me a more positive outlook on a few things.
And if you can imagine it, I did it all without drinking too much. Although there will be others drinking, as I'll 'splain in a minute.
Remember the chick from my crabs story? Haven't heard from her in years, but she stumbled onto the story last week. Whoops! So I got the chance to air the truth about some things that have been haunting me.
Remember the scavenger hunt from two years ago? I was able to put together a deal with Rich from Kegworks to send the second place team a Kegerator of their own. It had always bothered me since they came in such a close second place. So they're squared away now, and who knows maybe we'll have another hunt this year.
All I've got to do now is get the windows of my truck tinted, as I've been meaning to get that done for some nine years now, and all my loose ends are tied up and a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Indeed, I am the motherfuckin man.
And for those of you asking, yes, of course there will be a Best Tits contest this year. Just gotta let the summer tans roll in guys, so be patient.
|May 19, 2004|
Enter The Rabbit.
A new mother went to the psychiatrist worried.
"Doctor," she said, "Since I had the baby I can't sleep at night. When I'm in the next room, I have this dreadful fear that I won't hear the baby if he falls out of the crib at night. What should I do?"
"Easy," said the doctor. "Just take the carpet off the floor."
what's living in your ass --
a tale from iraq
|May 17, 2004|
Some Good, Some Bad.
"I think...I think it's in my basement. Let me go upstairs and check." - M.C. Escher (1898-1972)
So if you're like me, you're not exactly tickled fucking pink about the escalating cost of gasoline. I know it's going to become an election thing, but I try not to let those things impair my thinking. In fact, I think there's much more important issues at stake. Now the Bush twins aren't bad lookin and as it turns out, neither is Kerry's daughter. So either way this election goes, I've got a first daughter to beat off to. That's me, always the optimist.
I've decided I'm going to take a nice long vacation this year. And when I do, I've already made the understanding, I'm not going to paying any attention to the news at all. It's too fucking depressing. All they ever report is the bad shit, never the good. So no newspapers, no news radio, no news tv, nothing. I'm going to be out of touch with the world for awhile. And no, I'm not telling you where I'm going, or with whom. Ya dig?
|May 14, 2004|
Nothing To See Here, Move Along.
Ah Nick, ya poor headless bastard.
I've had multiple people send me the Nick Berg beheading video, and I've had multiple people ask me to post the Nick Berg beheading video. I can gladly say that I intend on disappointing you both.
Personally, I have no desire to watch a guy get his head hacked off. In fact, I still get the heebie jeebies when my mind flashbacks to the Russian soldier throat slitting video from Chechnya. That was one of those things I wish I could un-see, and I'm pretty sure this Berg thing would be too. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing quite like getting a bunch of guys together with a bunch of beer and watching a bunch of Faces of Death movies. Hell there's a shitload of people who if they were executed publicly on pay-per-view not only would I get it, but I'd throw a party and Tivo the motherfucker. But somehow there's something a eerily different about seeing a twenty-six year old telephone technician meet his end at the hands of some crazed religious zealots.
And so, you won't find the video here.
Now, I've heard a few journalists suggest that everyone should watch the Nick Berg execution, because it reminds of of why we're fighting the war on terror. Nice try, but I haven't forgotten to begin with.
And to Nick Berg's father who claims, "Nicholas Berg died for the sins of George Bush and Donald Rumsfeld." Now I can appreciate the fact that you're in pain, and I can appreciate the fact that your pain is amplified because your son's last moments are being traded around the internet like some goatse video. But let's get something straight. Your son is dead because he was an unarmed American civilian who chose to run around fucking the capital of a country we just invaded. Your son isn't dead because of someone else's sins, other that the crazy eyed wacko who sawed his head off with a butcher knife. It doesn't take the Pink Panther to know that Iraq is a dangerous place especially for American civilians, regardless of their good intentions. Your son didn't have to be there. He wasn't drafted into the military, he was there of his own free will. Your son took a calculated risk, and he came out on the losing end.
If you truly believe that GWB is responsible for your son's death, then is the flip side true? Is he responsible for my still being alive? My head hasn't been hacked off by some Al Queda nutjob. Should I attribute this to this country's great leadership, or to the fact that I'm smart enough to keep my happy ass right here in the U-S-of-A and not go parading around in Baghdad when I know it's still a fucking hellmouth? Has NASA kept me safe because I haven't died in space? Has Steve Irwin kept me safe because I haven't been eaten by a crocodile? Has the Navy kept me safe because I haven't drowned?
No, no, and no. I've kept my own ass safe by not putting myself in a position where I can be killed in an instant. It's called personal responsibility. Don't want your head hacked off by a militant Muslim? Here's an idea, then don't be Jewish and caught walking around in a lawless Muslim country. Duh.
|May 12, 2004|
My Little Guy Needs A Home
Once upon a time there was a prince who, through no fault of his own, was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the prince could speak only one word each year. However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, then the following year he was allowed to speak two words.
One day he met a beautiful princess with ruby lips, golden hair, and sapphire eyes, he and fell madly in love. With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say "My darling". But at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved her and because of this he waited three more years without speaking, bringing the total number of silent years to five. But at the end of these five years he realised that he had to ask her to marry him. So he waited ANOTHER four years without speaking, all the while the princess was curious as to why he never spoke to her.
Finally, as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden, the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, and huskily asked, "My darling, I love you. Will you marry me?"
And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said, "Pardon?"
Anyway, when are we going to stop pussy footing around and just nuke these fuckers. Seriously. Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan, Syria, Pakistan, Yemen... the whole fucking lot of em. Launch the nukes and then sit back and rest easy. World opinion be damned.
roof top fun --
roof top fun --
roof top fun
b-17 belly up landing after landing gear collapse
|May 10, 2004|
Don't Get Bent Out Of Shape
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|May 9, 2004|
Happy Mothers Day...
...from all of us at EHOWA! Which basicly, means me.
|May 8, 2004|
Just A Big Misunderstanding
Recent photographs of Iraqi prisoner abuse by British soldiers were proved to be bogus. Recent photographs of the rape of a female Iraqi woman by US soldiers were also proved to be bogus; the photographs published by Arab news media and were simply grabbed from a European porn site.
And now, there has been a report published, along with some very shameful pictures, detailing Iraqi prisoner abuse at the hands of US Soldiers. I know our troops are having their one-year deployments extended when they only had a few weeks left, and they are finding these last minute disappointments very frustrating. This of course creates the environment where frustrated power figures can take out their anger on helpless prisoners.
But I would like to set the record straight and assure you all that these incidents are simple misunderstanding that have been blown out of proportion by the media. I will now explain what really happened in each incident outlined in the Pentagon report...
oh and the whole
|May 6, 2004|
Uh Oh, Better Get Maaco!
Ladies and Germs, now you know I've always cheered for Britney and her nice tits. But if any of you ever need a reason to quit, or better yet to never even start smoking... then there is no greater reason than this.
Sigh. I am a broken and humbled man. But alas, for there is always hope I guess.
The most recent e-mail computer virus is sweeping across the globe that automatically opens free pornographic websites on the victim's screen. Authorities intended to track down the hackers responsible for the virus just as soon as somebody complains.
|May 4, 2004|
Bitch, I'll Knock You Out!
For starters, to these American troops who I'm seeing pointing at Iraqi cocks and balls during my nightly news, I ask you, "What the fuck?" Are you stupid? What the hell did you take photographs for? You're about as fucking stupid as the group of teenagers who film themselves breaking into their neighbor's house, and then leave the fucking tape behind for the cops to find. And Ms Female Soldier? You're fucking uhh-gleee!
Secondly, let's try to keep things in perspectove here people. "Al-Shweiri said that while jailed by Saddam's regime, he was shocked, beaten and hung from the ceiling with his hands tied behind his back. 'But that's better than the humiliation of being stripped naked,' he said." "They made us stand in a way that I am ashamed to describe. They came to look at us as we stood there. They knew this would humiliate us," he said, adding that he was not sodomized." Oh come on. Does anyone believe this crock of shit? Does that sound fucking reasonable to you? You'd rather be beaten and physically tortured than be stripped naked and made to blush over your tiny Iraqi balls? C'mon man!
Let's look back at how our prisoners of war were treated. Broken bones from repeated beatings. Rape. Starvation. And in some cases, execution. Ask Lieutenant Colonel Richard Storr about the beatings, burnings, starvation and mock executions endured while he was a prisoner during the first Iraqi war. Constant threats of castration and dismemberment were a daily treat for him. Want to talk about Geneva Conventions? Ask Tom Hamill about having a knife held to his throat on live television. Ask him about his untreated gunshot wound. Ask the Red Cross how PFC Keith Maupin's health is doing? Oh yeah, that's right, they don't know since nobody's seen of heard from him since he was paraded around on Al-Jazeera on April 17th.
Now, did the world community (you read as "Arab states") cry out in anguish and outrage when these things happened? No, they were silent. Did they cry out when photographs were shown of Americans being set on fire, their burned corpses being drug around the streets, or hung from bridges? Well, gee, sort of. One Iraqi cleric said it was okay to kill our troops regardless if they were trying to help or not, but it was disrespectful to set their corpses on fire. Well, okay. Big help that was. But all the other worldly voices? Silent.
But now some photos came out of our troops embarassing -- not mistreating but fucking embarassing -- some Iraqi prisoners by making them pose naked and every fucker with one leg is hobbling towards a microphone to speak out about American abuse. Let's keep this in perspective. Was it juvenile? Yes. Was it asinine? Yes. Was it disrespectful? Yes. Should the soldiers be reprimanded? Yes. But that's where it ends. These Iraqi prisoners weren't raped, or burned, or beaten, or starved or executed. They were embarassed because they got smacked in the chops by a woman (an ugly one that that). They were embarassed because they were forced into pranks that are more fit for a fraternity initiation than a jailhouse.
They were embarassed. Oh boo fucking hoo. Cry me a fucking river, you fucking pussies.